wakeupamoment

everyone following me,

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Id-like-to-wake-up-a-moment-from-your-smile/123784357738946

like this page, read about it, and tell me your story <3

This is going to be big.

i give up on people..

trust yourself and sometimes dont even do that

thoughts?

someday.... i am going to change the world.

when all the music dies.

my mind is so full of thoughts.
thoughts that can't won't leave..

bleh.

magic happens

my life in dartmouth has been the best experience i have had in my life. The people I have met here will always be with me. they share the same interests as me, and they make me smile like noone else has before.

This program is for me. and i am for this program.
I have never been so happy and at peace with my life as i am here.
Sitting in the school till midnight some nights should bother me, but it doesnt.
It makes me smile.
i have this feeling inside my stomach, of pure butterflies because i am so happy here it's unreal.
I dont think i could say it enough, i dont think i could ever explain how great this course is until you try it yourself.

I could sit here and type about all i have experienced and all the hands on work i have had in the industry. i could talk about becoming "the face of NSCC scholarship foundation" or how i met the president of The Chronicle Herald and how he said i could have the job whenever i wanted.

I could sit here and talk to you about how for the first time in 5 years i live 10 minutes from my mom and how great it is to have her in my life. Or how amazing it feels to have my brother back in my life.

I could sit here and type to you every single person i am friends with and how they are just constantly making me happy, making me smile, and making me realize i am in the right place.

I could do this all,
but im just going to leave it up to you to realize and understand the place i am in right now.
It's the best place i will ever be in.

marry me.

i love him,
ive loved him since day one. since we had our first date watching toy story.
I remember everything that has happened, i remember us watching the movie and just slowly started to hold hands.
And at that moment in time, i knew that is what i wanted for the rest of my time.

Thinking about him, and what we've gone through makes me just smile. And a beautiful smile at that.

We may be a lot different, but we make eachother who we are together.

And i can't wait for the future to unfold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghZt2cILcCU&ob=av2e
<3

city lights

i promised myself i would make a happy post.
and i really wanted to, and i so planned on but than stuff just tends to keep happening to me.

i really wish sometimes i could just be alone so i wouldn't have to deal with things.
like coming on facebook, and reading a stupid status.
when what i want was clearly stated but it still got on facebook.

the lights were so pretty, and my mind was so clear.
but now it's a blur again like waking up in the morning.


this is not fair.

spiders

the use of a doll for men is completely different than what it is for girls.

girls give and forgive, boys get and forget.
that is all, i hate the opposite sex sometimes.

shouldn't someone want to make me a priority not an option?
because im sick of being a choice.

this one is good.

change of heart,
and a change of mood is the best thing ever.
other than soft moc shoes and girl time with my girl mary <3

lets just say, life is grand, and so is my smile.

nothing seems to be right

when do you really start living your life? is it when you move out and start to pay your own bills or is it when you become truly happy..
i can not figure out when i will become happy and it's killing me.

i am happy in school, but once i am out of the college my life just flashes before my eyes and i realize i am not giving it all that should be given. you know?
i feel like this blog is the worst and saddest thing ever, but my life for the past 3 months have been such a downer and this is where i feel like i can let it out.

i want to be happy, i want to stop letting people fuck me over and walk all over me. i neet to stand tall and let my word be known that i am not that kinda girl.
but when it comes down to it.. i am that girl and i hate it.

i have a lot going for me, i dont want to be "cocky" about it but thats how i see myself.
yet i can never find someone to experience the good of me, like i did a few years ago.

why do i attract the assholes, and the people who feel they can just use me?

i want to be able to smile and be free.. be happy.. be me,
but being me right now is the hardest thing posssible.

when the wind blows, when i do it alone

As I walk in this world alone I come to think;
Think about everyone who has been in my life,
Who has affected me
Good and
Bad.

I think about everyone who has just got up
And walked out the door
when the wind started to blow.

I think about the people who are meant to be
And the people who are not worth the time.

Life is something that can not be explained
Your past can not control your future.

The future is what you make it,
The future is where you end up.
Your steps now contribute to where you want to go.

So step in the right direction,
A few wrong turns won’t get you lost
It will just make you remember where you are going.

Go far and never look back,
Because when you look back you forget where you are meant to be.

free your heart

you don't realize what you have until you lose it?
isnt that what it is..

shouldnt it be, you don't realize you deserve better until you stand up and leave?
if not, thats what i think it should be.

my life has become a hot mess of everything. and the only thing making it better is hot chocolate and good talks at the coffee shop.  i didnt realize how amazing my friends were until i had to deal with a pile of shit landing on me and them helping me through it.

After a year, wouldnt you think you knew someone? knew someone enough to see how they truely are..
i think i saw it, but was afaid to believe it. But the last straw happened, and i needed to change it. to make myself happy and healthy again. because i surely know i am not who i should be at this point in time.

i am in college, living alone, having great friends, but i cry before bed every night? i feel so lost and alone and miserable. that is just terribly wrong for someone like myself.
i am someone who is happy, someone who loves to be around people, to explore the city around them.
but right now, i just havent found that.

and i think since i lost the love of my life, maybe i will realize moping and being upset isnt worth my time.. my life.

i need to live for myself and be happy with myself.
before i can be with someone.
and if they don't plan on waiting, and if they plan on moving on to someone else.
they really are not worth my tears anymore.

i am me

that is all, i am so happy with my life.
but missing my old friends, and my friends i lost because of me being stupid.

perfect sense

i am so sick of past mistakes.
haunting you.
please just go away.

i got my list

today i am moving and i don't know how to feel about it. i am so excited to finally be out of halifax and go to dartmouth. closer to school, and closer to my friends.

 halifax was good, and i love the whole halifax scene, but i can make dartmouth just as good, and cheaper.

i can't believe i have been living in halifax for two months.. it just seems unreal.
my life is good here, but i miss my liverpool friends.
i love school, but i know i can do better than how i am doing.

my mind is just a bit flustered with the whole other genre.
on the 7th it will be mine and his one year. i love him so much and he is my everything. it's crazy we have been together for so long.

it doesnt seem like it's been a year. a year of firsts, and a year of lasts.

it blows my mind away knowing i will be out of school soon and starting to actually have a career. it's crazy to believe soon i will be in the industry living my dream.

if this is really my dream.. which i think it is?

anywho, radio show. ill write again tonight oxo

you know its haunting

do i deserve to be happy?
do i have the right to smile everyday?

am i know a nice girl that should have someone to tell me they miss me,
and not be so cold hearted.

shouldnt someone be lucky to have a girl like me?
someone who would do anything for their relationship and show them the world.

but i am stuck sitting alone, miserable at best.
and it kills me inside.

not to be wanted.

stuck on the edge, and i dont know what way to go

and what happens when you don't know exactly what to do. if you need to be strong and walk the road.
or be strong and walk it together.

live in halifax is a lot different than life in liverpool but i am starting to really enjoy it. i love my class family, and i love my friends i have. but having a life in two places takes a toll on you. it hurts losing friends, but it feels amazing gaining the ones i have gained.

im just alittle on the edge right now about how i want to play what is going on.

i want to write, and i want this course to become my life... and it already has.

... ill write more later.

spread your wings

Spread your wings, its time to fly away.
Fly away into a better spot.
A spot to be happy, and a spot to be wanted.

Soar to the places you’ve never been before,
The places you want to go, and you know you need to go.

Fly with someone that makes it meant to be
Fly with someone that makes you happy.
Fly and become the person you know you need to be.

Find a person to take away your pain,
Find a person that takes the tears and makes them into smiles.
Smiles so huge it could light up the sky..

You have the right to be happy,
You have the right to be wanted.
You are wanted, and you can be happy.

just pick up and fly again,
you'll see that you're meant to be.

many of horror

i feel like i have been shot in the back, the heart, and right in the face.
knowing nothing can ever get better anymore, whats the point?
or atleast knowing he wont try and fix it.
just makes me want to crawl up and cry.

this isnt fair, i wasnt suppose to feel this way.

love lost

so, im single.
and how do i manage this?
i sit alone and bawl my eyes out. i have been crying non stop since 3. i was okay for a few hours when i was with a friend but now hes all i can think about.

how can i let someone be so close and intimate with me and them just ruin me? rip my heart and stomp on it. i know its been said but i cant help it. i am so broken and lost right now.i  dont know what to do..

i love him, but why cant he love me back and treat me right.
isnt that the least i deserve?

silk

how is it that i can give someone my complete all and never get it back? how can i continue to go through this, and feel the pain almost every night but not let go?

how is it that i can give someone my all, and them not even care. not show one ounce about caring about my college course or my career in the making.

how can i do this when he has never even read any of my writing before? when it's been a year..

writing is my everything, writing is my release and he doesnt even care about it.

i wrote about us someday and i told him, and he said i dont have to read what you write.

he may not have to read it, but he should want to because it's what im going to do with my life.

im stuck, and i dont know what way to turn...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMihKmoYfe8&feature=autoplay&list=TLaLpzyzVXYiw&lf=artistob&playnext=2

don't make me change my mind

why?
why does everything bad have to happen to me, and why can't i just live a simple happy life.
that would be a nice thing..

im tired of losing things,
and never gaining things.

im tired of losing people,
and them not coming back.

im tired of knowing my world is changing,
when im not ready for it to change.

huge world, and all im thinking about is you

here is the thing.

i am so happy when i am at school. i couldnt be more happy and people can see that.

but once im out of school i get mad and i just want to be alone all the time. i dont want to deal with peoples bullshit, and i dont want to see anyone.

i didn't realize how much i like time alone but its the only thing i want now a days.

little emo rant:

i feel like i have no one anymore. before i always had my go to people, but by moving here it feels like i have lost every single one of them.

i dont know how to change that.

im just ready to go home to liverpool and crawl into my old bed and never get out.

bleeeeeeh.

freedom

in my school, loving my life.
in my school, becoming what i want to become.
in the city, without internet until thursday.
so i will update then.
<33333
can not wait for this course to hit the road.

you are evil

And its as simple as that
Its so simple to ruin everything good,
And turn it into a nightmare.

A nightmare where everything feels so real.
So real when you blink and pinch yourself,
Youre still living in that nightmare.

Its like the worst of your life can happen in,
In a split second,
An instant.

An instant where you can see yourself spinning,
Rushing down a hole until you hit bottom.
Rock bottom.

When you can’t get up, and you realize that,
That you have come to a crashing end
And nothing will fix anything.

Anything that you’ve done,
Has become you
And you are evil.

ready to be me

The world is coming to an end as I know it,
Its starting to spread its wings and fly away…
Way before im ready to fly away with it.

It whispers in my ear to get up and go.
But how can I just go?
Just leave my world behind to start a new one.
But how can I just go?
Just leave my family and go,
Just leave my friends and go,
Just leave everything that protects me and go?

It wakes me up in the morning to remind me the time is coming
Coming to an end, or maybe sprouting a new beginning

A new life.
A new beginning.
A fresh starts,
Or maybe the start I was always meant to have
But never got the chance to live.

I hear it calling my name,
Quiet and soft, calling for me.

It’s telling me in ready, but am I?
Ready for what..

Ready to be me.

pure like gold

when you leave the place you grew up in, is that suppose to be a good feeling?
or is this feeling suppose to feel like a heart break beyond any heart break i have felt before..
18 days, and my life is going to change 100%
18 days, and i am going to be starting to grow up.
alone..
on my own.
making myself who i really am.

and while i want to share this with the people i love,  when i think about it the most important people i could share it with wont be around. one wont be there physically and the other wont be there mentally for me.
when i think about that is it the most hurtful thing. i know relationships change people, but i dont want her relationship to ruin our friendship, and i feel like it is coming to that.

i feel so alone all the time, and it is a scary thought.
i bounced back to my old grade nine self one night, and that gave me a scare i never want to have again.

though i know i am better than that, it still felt good.

from being alone all the time now, i have come to realize no one will ever make me happy, and i just need to find happiness on my own.
and yes my friends and my boyfriend make me happy. but its not the pure stuff i am getting.
and i will find that once i move and start to become a better writer.
i will be fine, and i will find that pure.

perfect

i want someone that will be my everything,
i want someone that will let me be their everything.
i want someone who will take pictures together
i want someone who will tickle me until i cry
who will write me an i love you on my facebook wall.
i want someone who will show me off to everyone.
someone who will meet my family.
someone who my family will love.
i want this guy to hold onto me like he would never let me go.
i want him to promise me things that he knows he can keep.
i want this guy to never keep anything from me.
he needs to smile, be happy and follow through with his words.
i want someone who will teach me to love myself.
i want this boy to text me every night,
call me every morning
just to tell me he loves me.
lets me know he cares,
he wants me, and only me.


this guy i want, does not exist.

running

Tell a girl she's beautiful & she will believe it for a
moment. Tell a girl she is worthless & she will believe
it for the rest of her life.

Never get too attached to anyone
because attachments lead to 
expectations & expectations lead
to disappointments .

Guys are like bras,
They hook-up behind your back.

I don't want the perfect boyfriend.

I just want someone to act silly with,
someone who treats me well,
& absolutely loves being with me more than anything.

smart girls open their minds,
easy girls open their legs,
and foolish girls open their hearts.

i quit. i'm over you. i fell so hard. i was always there when
you needed someone to talk to. yeah, so basically i'm done
being just a friend or chasing you. so it you want me, i'm here,
but i'm done wasting my time on someone who doesn't care.

love is a deadly feeling. it gives you passion, but jealousy.
it gives you sorrow, but happiness. it gives you, it makes you,
& it breaks you.

am i not enough?

too strong

i just want to be happy.
for once in my life, truly happy.
i dont want these feelings.
i dont want to feel my heart break everyday.
i dont want to see the tears falling from my face.

im tired of being me

i've never seen this before

it seems like every other day i am upset and hurting. it feels like nothing will ever go right.

words are just words, but these words being said to me are killing me slowly.

smiles of the fruit.

sometimes it only takes a second for you to realize what you have in life,
and sometimes it only takes a minute to realize what you can't lose in your life.

i can't lose the friends i have because if i did i would go nowhere.
there are some friends i have been friends with since the first day i moved to liverpool.
these ones are the ones who have always been there for me, and i know we fight sometimes but
we will work it out always.
they are people i look up to and envy what they have. they are people who know how to treat people right,
and talk to them like they are important.
they give the best reassurance i could ever ask for.
they dont take shit from anyone, and i wish i was just like them.
i love them, and i will always, there is something about them that makes me just want more.

sometimes, even when the timing is bad, and the mood is wrong, all i have to do now to be happy is go to a blog and smile. because in the end, my smile is what makes me me <3
right?

when did everything become so stupid? it seems like my life is destined for bad relationships and fuck ups. i wish this wasn't the truth but as i sit here at home, i think to myself that nothing ever seems to go easy for me.
im so mentally and physically tired of feeling like this, the feeling where you just want to give up.
i thought this year was going to be the best year of my life, but i was truly mistaken. i didn't even enjoy my grade 12 prom, and knowing im leaving now is just an tiny bit of this problem.

why can't i just be happy, and everything go the way i want it to just for one day of my life? why do i have to sit at work, and cry and wish i had someone elses life.
i know so many more people has it worse off then i do, but sometimes it seems unreal that someone can even feel worse then i do at this.

i sat home on friday night worrying my mind away, not being able to sleep until 2am bawling my eyes out. i sit here tonight, in my bed alone, worrying my mind away, feeling like complete shit bawling my eyes out.

when will this ever get better?

breathe

im never home, so this is why i have yet to write in this for like a month. so much is changing in my life, and im not sure about anything. why cant something so simple as a text happen? and how can fights start over absolutely nothing.
yet i feel sick to my stomach because of it.
sometimes, i just feel like life is too hard to go on.

the time has come

you think you know the feeling when you are growing up? the feeling when you realize youre finished high school, youre done exams, and your proms on monday? the feeling where you know your graduating in a weeks time, and you will be leaving this town, these people, and moving forward with your life..
well i have that feeling right now, and its not feeling too hott.

in two months time, i will be packing up my life i have made here and moving away. i will be starting fresh and starting new. something i have had to do all my life, but it has never affected me this much before.
it might be because of the amazing boyfriend i have, the amazing family i live with, the most amazing best friends i could ever ask for, or simply the fact that i love this place i live.

i mean i hate the drama, the gossip, the different groups, and i hate the bench bitches, but i mean, every town has those right? every town will break you down no matter where you are, and wait to see if you will pick yourself back up and become stronger from the fall.

every town will watch you fail, and will wait for you to succeed. i am succeeded by moving away, going to school, having my own place, and leaving all my baggage behind.

my friends will follow me whenever i go, my family will always have my back, and writing will always cure my pain.

i can do this, and i can leave and be happy.
i will just have to deal with being homesick daily now.
but no matter what, i know i will be able to do this, i have gone through so much,
that i need to get through this.
i will succeed, and show everyone that doesnt think i can do it, that i can.

beachwood

i haven't wrote in this in forever, and i dont know why because everything has been so crazy and bad i should have written in this more. so i will try to catch up with everything going on.
im scared..
im scared of absolutly everything that is going on in my life right now.
im scared im losing my best friend right now,
im scared im going to get fucked over for next year because of stupid shit
im scared im going to lose my boyfriend
and im scared ill fail.
fail everything i had/have going for me, and i will be sitting there alone, being nothing.

im nothing, or atleast that is how i feel. i know thats terrible, but lately i have been feeling like another person. the typer of person i was when i was in grade nine. and that person is not me anymore. i want to get out of that body and run, run far away and never look back at them.
because.. they scare me.

i know i would never give up, or let go, or become someone i am not but i am just terrifed of being alone, and not myself. im afaid ill end up like my mom was for 10 years. i know i deserve better in my life, but i can't seem to push myself to that better place, i just sit and watch myself disappear.

if i know i deserve better in life, why can't i just make it happen?
why do i have to pussy out of everything, and just watch myself become nothing.

useless

how can one picture affect me so much? make me so jealous and so upset.
and how can 3 simple words break me apart? i just don't understand.

im happy, i love my life and everyones whos in it. but i just get so confussed and overwhelmed about everything.
i don't want anything to change, everyone is talking bout change, and trying to change things.
but i don't want anything to be different, im so happy about everything i have, and the way it is.

i just want to stay this way forever.

taking back from me

im tired of all this.

sometimes im tired of waiting for someone who doesn't want me to be their everything.
so whats the point?

i give up..

i can't forget you

sometimes it amazes me how low and unloving some people can be, but then people can still be so addicted and in love with them? so have no feelings or emotions to not even realize you are hurting the "love of your life" more than thinkly possible.

sometimes it amazes me how unwanted i can feel in this world even though there are 6 billion people here just living their life. They are happy, and they enjoy what they have in life. so why can't i be one of those people?
why do i have to be so selfish when it comes to my life, and why do i have to not appreciate the good things i have in my life. Or well the great things.

i saw my brother two days ago, the brother who was there when i was born, the first person who touched me when i came into this world. The brother who i was best friends with all growing up, but now he hates me. He disowned me, and when i saw him, he didnt even notice me. it's like im not even there, a ghost to him. and it kills me. literally breaks my heart into pieces. how can a brother hate a sister just because they have a relationship with their dad.
how can he possibly have that much hate for me?
it hurts.. a lot more than people realize.

so then when other people ditch me, or not talk to me that are close to me, it scares me. scares me to the place where i don't even want to leave my house because i dont want to lose anymore important people in my life.

it's weird because im happy. Whenever im with people, i am happy. But as soon as i get alone, i think about things way too much and i break things into small pieces and i ruin things. i ruin everything i have in my life, until i have nothing.

i don't want to be in that place again, and im scared if i keep this up, im going to be there.
i need people more than i have ever needed them before.
If only they knew...

time is flying

i haven't wrote in here in about a month..
what was i thinking?

so much has changed in my life, some good and some bad. i moved away from where i was living. The place i was at just did not work for me. Caused me too much stress in my life, and i was not myself there. i now live with my doctor and her family in a huge beautiful house. I am starting to get happy and comfortable here, but it has only been a week.

i am going to school next year for journalism and sorting out money and scholarships has been a really big stress in my life, and i am not handling it well. And on top of that i am graduating in 2 months! i can't seem to wrap my head around that fact.

the fact im going to be in different schools from my best friend. PS congrats on the 40 000 dollar scholarship. you are going to go so far in life, and i am so proud to call you my best friend. I am going to be alone in a classroom with people who i think will be better then me in what i do.

to be honest, it scares me. To think there will be other people in the class doing what i want to do, its like a competition  i am not ready to compete in because im too scared to disappoint myself and the people around me.

im scared of the future.. and even though im trying to be happy right now, its hard to be.