dependable hearts

falling in love has to be one of the most unexplainable emotions a person will feel in their lives. it's like the heat of a bonfire, with the harshest winds hitting your face at the same time.

i remember falling in love. The beginning is a feeling everyone wants to feel once or twice in their lives. The feeling of being wanted, loved, and important to someone.

the experiences you have with your love life somehow seem to be so important. more important than just hanging out with a friend. Falling in love creates a new space in the brain and every little thing to do with your love life seems important. the movie ticket from a date must be kept, every song that reminds you of that one person... trust me, the songs will always remind you of that one person even years down the road.

I have always been a true believer in romance and love. Soul mates. but the dependability you begin to feel is the scariest feeling i have felt in my life. It's something I do not like. It makes me scared of love. makes me regret even falling in love.

" i think about you day and night. it's only right"

living my life for myself is very important for me. And ever since I have fallen in love it seems to have changed. He is constantly on my mind.

" I can't go here because he might want to call me "
" will he be okay with me doing this "

Sitting around waiting for him to come online,
sitting around waiting for him to call.

It seems like he is continuing his life, while mine has been put on hold all because i am dependant on him.

What scares me the most, is it's like an addiction. He is my drug, and when we aren't talking I feel low, alone and feel like nothing. There is a constant feeling of emptiness in my stomach.

And at the end of the day, when we finally talk I feel angry because he hasn't been part of my day. I'm not angry at anything because of him. I'm angry because he's out living my life, and I don't know how to do that.

Love is a strange thing. Love concurs all, but it always eliminates a lot if you're not loving someone properly and healthy.


It doesn't matter how much I know i need to change the feeling of need I have, it never changes. No matter how much i work on it, I still am sitting here waiting for him to come on facebook.

The scariest part about falling in love, is when it's done. When you and that person don't talk anymore. When something happened in the blink of an eye and they are no longer in your life. They are no longer your best friend, your side kick. No longer the person you look to for advice, wisdom, help. When you don't have closure and you are seeking for it, and it doesn't happen. That feeling of emptiness comes haunting back.

heartbreak is the most unbearable, unimaginable, unspeakable feeling this world has to offer. It will rip your heart into pieces, and will make your eyes become waterfalls.

If I had any advice to give, it would be:

Fall in love. experience the fireworks your heart will set off. Experience the feeling of contentment and pure joy. Just never become dependant on a person, because no matter what, and no matter the promises, no one will ever live up to what you expect in another person.

Don't be scared to fall in love, it's something everyone will go through, and something you will never forget. But realize nothing lasts forever, and someday, you will either break up, fall out of love, or one will die and the feelings you will feel then will make you wish you had never gained such strong feelings for another human being.

trust me.

the water is rising over my head,
I can't hear anything
my eyes are closed.

The feeling of fear surrounds me.
This is it.

type of girl

To this day, i think about the past as the future.

And the future, as a sure thing.

I think about the present as not quite right. 

I am the type of girl who can't understand that the present is enough,

I am the type of girl who needs more than that.

A sure definition of what is going to happen.

A sure definition of why the past happened the way it did.

I am the type of girl who has too big of a heart,

and not enough tear ducts.

Contentment is my happiness,

my happiness is seeing other people overjoyed.

it feels like my heart is just there..

..sitting..waiting..wondering..

Sitting for the butterflies to flutter.

Waiting for the moment I finally realize i AM happy.

Wondering why I can't see that, the moment is now.

Happiness for me is seeing the ones i love live their life

happiness for me is watching other people laugh

seeing the winkles in their eyes when they feel infinite.

I am the type of girl who knows the past isn't the present, 

and the future is unknown.

but still doesn't know how to move on.

How do you move on..

I am the type of girl, who knows what she wants

but doesn't want to wait for the future.

I am me.

and i am more than content..

I am overjoyed with the butterflies fluttering

my eyes are alive with wrinkles

I am alive, and I feel infinite.

a start

as she laid there stone cold
she looked up to the sky.

it was white..
big..
infinite..

how can someone be so small,
but their problems seem so big?

as time passed she realized there is so much more to life than the little pity things. Although she felt empty she came to the understanding this is her life.

She can't have it all.
hell, she can't even have half of it.

What she has is what she gets,
and even if she doesn't like it or understand why it's this way.

it just is.

alone is the number one feeling she has. not the normal alone but the crying in the bathroom stall alone.

The feeling of her heart shattering,
terrified to go on...

But in this moment she is alive and that is a start