sometimes im tired of waiting for someone who doesn't want me to be their everything.
so whats the point?

i give up..

i can't forget you

sometimes it amazes me how low and unloving some people can be, but then people can still be so addicted and in love with them? so have no feelings or emotions to not even realize you are hurting the "love of your life" more than thinkly possible.

sometimes it amazes me how unwanted i can feel in this world even though there are 6 billion people here just living their life. They are happy, and they enjoy what they have in life. so why can't i be one of those people?
why do i have to be so selfish when it comes to my life, and why do i have to not appreciate the good things i have in my life. Or well the great things.

i saw my brother two days ago, the brother who was there when i was born, the first person who touched me when i came into this world. The brother who i was best friends with all growing up, but now he hates me. He disowned me, and when i saw him, he didnt even notice me. it's like im not even there, a ghost to him. and it kills me. literally breaks my heart into pieces. how can a brother hate a sister just because they have a relationship with their dad.
how can he possibly have that much hate for me?
it hurts.. a lot more than people realize.

so then when other people ditch me, or not talk to me that are close to me, it scares me. scares me to the place where i don't even want to leave my house because i dont want to lose anymore important people in my life.

it's weird because im happy. Whenever im with people, i am happy. But as soon as i get alone, i think about things way too much and i break things into small pieces and i ruin things. i ruin everything i have in my life, until i have nothing.

i don't want to be in that place again, and im scared if i keep this up, im going to be there.
i need people more than i have ever needed them before.
If only they knew...

time is flying

i haven't wrote in here in about a month..
what was i thinking?

so much has changed in my life, some good and some bad. i moved away from where i was living. The place i was at just did not work for me. Caused me too much stress in my life, and i was not myself there. i now live with my doctor and her family in a huge beautiful house. I am starting to get happy and comfortable here, but it has only been a week.

i am going to school next year for journalism and sorting out money and scholarships has been a really big stress in my life, and i am not handling it well. And on top of that i am graduating in 2 months! i can't seem to wrap my head around that fact.

the fact im going to be in different schools from my best friend. PS congrats on the 40 000 dollar scholarship. you are going to go so far in life, and i am so proud to call you my best friend. I am going to be alone in a classroom with people who i think will be better then me in what i do.

to be honest, it scares me. To think there will be other people in the class doing what i want to do, its like a competition  i am not ready to compete in because im too scared to disappoint myself and the people around me.

im scared of the future.. and even though im trying to be happy right now, its hard to be.