broken

I have never felt more alone in my whole life than what I am feeling right now. This is suppose to be "my year" I'm in my final year of college. I am suppose to be living it up, drinking, partying and making the friendships that are suppose to last for my life.

But that is not the cause.

My best friend lives in Liverpool. And she has her own family now.. how hard do you think that is for me? I'm so happy for her and everything she has going for her. I just miss her, I miss seeing her and just being fucking retarded together. But now she has her own life to worry about and take care of.. plus shes 2 hours away from me.

My mother wants nothing to do with me. Whenever I ask her to hang out she makes an excuse to not have to see me. She is not capable of loving anyone and that hurts me. What goes through your mind that you have kids so when they are older they have to support you? What goes on in your mind when you don't love your child as much or more than anything you love in this world.

If you were to have a kid, wouldn't they be your complete everything? Wouldn't you want to see them, ask how they're doing, talk to them, just maybe even tell them you love them. How is that not possible? She makes me sick to my stomach. i'm done waiting around for her and getting hurt in the end.

What have I always said? Family doesn't last forever.

On the other note,
When I moved up here I lost a lot of my friends. I lost them because they went to university and met their new friends. They started to have their own lives.

I fucking things up royally with my ex, and now all his friends and family don't like me.

how could I have come so far in my life, but feel like i'm at a stand still. To feel like I am only going backwards and not enjoying my life like I should be.

I feel so seperated from this world, from the people in it. I feel like I am so alone, there isn't even a point in trying to be friends with people. All I want to do at this point is crawl up under my sheets and hide away for days.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.. My heart is already too broken.

emotionless

how can something small hurt me so bad? I have dealt with it for 2 years now, but it's starting to eat away at me. My insides are slowly caving in, my heart is breaking piece by piece. Im scared.

happiness is defined as :

state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

why can't I have intense joy? it seems like i have become an emotionless human being and thats the scariest part of my life right now.

I'm scared to be alone yes,
I'm scared of growing up,
I'm scared he'll be the one that got away.

But most of all I'm scared because i am not me.

I thought of myself as a happy person before, open, talkative, carefree.

But now i am quiet, i never talk when im in groups of people, I hide my emotions, and my heart is no longer on my sleeve.

And.. im scared.

dark as night

there she was in the dark of the night
alone, cold, and broken.
nothing in her life seemed to fit the puzzle pieces.
all the curved and jagged edges would never come together.

The pieces became broken,
like her heart.
the pieces became useless it seemed,
like her life.

instead of building a puzzle
it was like she was ripping it apart.

with every piece she cut open
she watched the blood pour out
with every broken piece,
she felt something.

she felt alive.

goodbye,
so long.

Until you can just be mine.

you and i

and just like that all my emotions are mixed up,
it's like its just starting right over again..
and honestly I'm terrified.

i'm terrified to be me because i don't exactly know who i am. I know who i want to be but who i want to be and who i am currently aren't exactly the same thing.

I have gone through so much in the past year and I for 99% of the stuff I wish i could take them back. I regret lying to the people who i loved because lying ruins things, and when things are ruined.. i become a monster.

I used to be a happy go to girl, someone who loved to go for walks, and adventure. Someone who I thought had a lot of friends, and people enjoyed spending time with her.

but now i feel like i've separated myself from a lot of those people who made me "me" I feel alone, and not wanted. I feel like I'm not the girl who i should be.

I sit here alone in my bed listening to music and thinking about this one person. Someone who was always there for me, but I did fuck it up. I ruined a lot, and I just hope things can change one day.. someday..

I just want to have a true smile on my face,
i want to be able to walk around and show off my love.
I want to be able to sit, watch movies, learn new things and just be head over heals.

Why will i always be a hopeless romantic?

I guess I should probably start to think about the realistic stuff, that sometimes it might just not work...

But, i guess i wear my heart on my sleeve and i hope for the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWp7tPe77Jk&feature=related

quitting

so,
tomorrow I am quitting smoking. I have gone too long smoking and I don't want to smoke anymore. I'm going to have the hardest time quitting but I think I can do it. I can't afford to smoke, and I know it is really bad for me.

Honestly I am scared. All my friends smoke so quitting is going to be even harder for me. And I can smoke half a pack a day. it's got pretty bad..

I am going to write in this everyday to help me with quitting. I have read some tips on how to stop so this try I'm going cold turkey. Completely just stopping. Hopefully my friends will help me by not smoking too much around me anymore.

I can do this,
or atleast i can try.

there it is, tomorrow is day one.
Lets make this real.


My cravings are going to be the death of me, but if i try hard enough, I'm sure i can overcome it.

pray for me!

empty hearts

feeling completely alone..
like no one is there for me, like none wants me around.
it's a pretty shitty feeling,
and it's been scaring me half to death.

i wish i knew what i wanted more in life.

donkey

i went to a donkey sanctuary today and it was an amazing feeling. All these donkeys came from abused places and people. And to see all the donkeys calm and friendly made me feel really emotional. it just made my heart feel so full that they could go through such a tough and heart breaking time in their life and now they are at peace.

it made me realize that no matter what you've been through doesn't mean it has to stay with your forever. it may shape you but at the end of the day you can run free from it and come out a better person. i didn't want to leave today because these donkeys made me so happy.

it just put a real smile on my face for once and made me remember that life goes on, and for me i have to learn to be happy alone without relying on someone to do it for me. 

hell starts to freeze

it's like a bullet has just gone through my body.

my heart is killed, and my soul is drowning in blood.

it can't swim.

im tired of feeling lost, i don't know how to even write about it.

i feel like wherever i go, i am still faced with the same problems,

the same worries, broken hearts, and tear filled eyes.

i always thought i went through a lot in my life but i am starting to realize this is only the beginning...

i just want to be someone priority and not an option anymore,

i want to feel loved for once and not fuck it up.

drive on

2232 blog views,
i know i have had this it seems like forever but reaching this number makes me super excited.

life has been pretty good lately, being here in ontario is teaching me a lot about myself which i never thought i would learn. i have began to realize who's important in my life, and the rest honestly can go screw themselves.

I've began to love myself, and i have never got to that point in my life before which is actually amazing for me to say i like who i am turning out to be.

My relationship for the pas two years has been more than a bumpy road, but right now because i have been away makes me understand how much i need him in my life, and i know he's not air or water so i don't "need" him but honestly it feels like he keeps me together.

love is sure a difficult thing to understand, and i don't fully understand it, and i know i am not the perfect person, i know i have my screw ups and all that but i am trying so much.

but still, i need to let my red heart show too, which is kinda hard.

                                 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1FH2arQh0Q

being away from family and friends is actually really hard because i have a problem that i need to feel needed and i need reassurance that i am important and with being away from the people who show me i mean something i have been feeling really unwanted and loved. But I am trying my best to just go on with my life and not concern myself with those "needs" because i know i will be okay without people telling me I'm worth it.. because i know i am.

@gibsonkirby

maybe it's meant to be

i wish i wasn't such an option sometimes, it makes me feel so terrible with myself,

and i wish i knew exactly why i did the things i did, and why i pushed people close to me away because right now i could use some feel good words.

i just wish if they actually cared about me, they would show it, because when they don't it breaks my heart over and over again and i can't continue to be like this because my heart is going to be in pieces on the floor soon..

but why can't i change it? why do i put myself in these situations?

new life

so i am sitting at the airport waiting to fly to ontario.
ontario... for a whole month. i am leaving my life as i know it and starting a new one. it is unreal that i am going to an internship and going to finally be in this industry.

a lot has been happening in my life, and a lot of the times i never write about them. so,
i turned 19 the other day and my best friend gave me the best birthday partying in the world.
also me and my boyfriend broke up but got back together. we are so unreal together and have so much potential to be happy. So we are going to make it work and be happy, and we are going to show the world how happy we can be together.

well,
flights going to board soon and i need some tims.
so ill continue to write in this all month and explain my ontario life!

<3magk

blue eyed beauty

so,
its been march break this week and i believe this week has taught me a lot about myself. a lot of things i didnt know about me, but now i know more than i knew before. i know who i can be myself around, and i know who my true friends are.
i know what i want in life, and i know i cant give up on anything anymore because the pain i have felt is not worth it. the tears i have shed made me into a better person.

i have come to the conclusion i am a very awkward person. there are very few people know who the true me is, and for the ones that do, i am sorry if i have pushed you away.

i have come to the conclusion i ruined a lot of friendships that i wish i didnt. and i really miss having friends. good friends are hard to find, and i seriously don't have many. for my past friends, im sorry for whatever reason we stopped being friends. if it was my fault i only blame myself and hopefully sometime we can fix things. for the friends i have now, you all mean everything to me. you make me happy.

and i just want to thank you for making me into the girl i want to be. because without you i would not be mighty molly.

school is back on monday, so lets get the sleeves pulled up and show everyone who i have become
<3 mm

leaving is just a game

my life has been a blur lately and i never have the time to write anymore.. well i am sure i have the time i have just became too lazy.
for the most part my life here has been good, i mean i have the best roommate in the world, and i have the best friend anyone could ask for in liverpool, and i also have the best friend anyone could imagine in dartmouth.

but lately.. it doesn't seem like that's enough. i overthink things and i chain smoke constantly because im sad or upset or depressed. i put on a smile for everyone at school, but sometimes its so hard.
i want to believe this is the right course for me, but sometimes i am unsure.
maybe i am too young for this?
maybe i don't have the drive..
maybe i don't even want to do this anymore.

i always thought i would love school, and dont get me wrong i love it. i love the work and i love the people in it. i have just became so lazy about homework and motivation is lacking.
i feel like i could crawl up in a hole most days and be fine with that.

you know the feeling when your heart breaks? like phyically breaks.. you can feel it through your chest and the pain feels so surreal.. well i have been having that feeling lately. and it kills me, it hurts me, it makes me sit and cry for an hour without even having a good reason to cry.
i just wish it was easy.. i just wish i could be the girl i want to be, with the boy i am in love with.. but that doesnt seem possible..

nothing seems possible.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=wwUlPXmr_6o

sorry for the sad post, its just how my heart feels.

one day is good, and then the next one is miserable..
when will this end?

this is my girl

someday.. or maybe in another world.


happy valentines day everyone! enjoy the ones you love, and let the ones who love you spoil you until midnight.
some people don't believe in this day, but it is just about true love.

so if you love someone,
show it today.
take a step up, and don't look back.

this is a beautiful world

your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck. 
I've fallen for your eyes, but they don't know me yet.

guys, sometimes the girl who's always been
there for you, needs someone to be there for her.

I wanted to tell you all my secrets
but you became one of them instead.

I'm not telling you it is going to be easy,
I'm telling you its going to be worth it.

that "I miss you" message.

people love to say "live for the moment", but
a moment comes in a moment, stays for a
moment, and leaves just as fast; in a moment.

a boy who makes his friends jealous of
me because he talks about me so much.

ain't it a shame, a shame that every time you hear my name 
brought up in a casual conversation, you can't think straight?

don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

to live a creative life, you must lose the fear of being wrong.

make changes, not excuses.

when a guy smells nice, it automatically makes him more attractive.

boys who; rub your thumb while holding hands.

hey, life sucks without you. I miss you, of course I miss you.
I knew that I would but, it's not like a 'hey we had some great 
times you know, keep in touch' kind of thing. it's .. it was more
like 'I can't eat, I can't sleep, I forget what it feels like to laugh' 
kind of thing. and I.. I really think that when you left, 
you took my heart with you. 

I look up at the night sky and I wonder about life, about you, 
about why I'm here. And I look up at those cold, beautiful 
stars so far away, and I realize life has never seemed so big.

the hardest thing to do is walk away
from someone you can't forget.

it's not always going to be pretty.
it's not always going to be easy.
but it will come together in the end.

     




 

maybe tonight will be our night

hello,
and welcome to my life.
to the ups and to the downs.
to the sad and to the happy times.

hello,
and welcome to my life.
the shit show of a life.

hello,
and welcome to my life.
where i don't even belong on a daily basis.

hello,
and welcome to my life,
to the tears, and to the dears.

hello,
and welcome to my nightmare...

i messed up,
my life is messed up.

i don't know how to put all the pieces back together
and make it right.

never ending

i met lights,
and it completed my dreams. she is the most well rounded person there is. meeting her makes me what to be a better person.

but also with meeting her,
i have learned a lot about myself... it might not have been because of her but i guess it is because of what i am going through now.

i feel like i am not exactly where i want to be. Well, its where i want to be, but i just feel like im not giving my best.

i miss my best friend in liverpool, and i miss simple times.
i miss falling in love, and being utterly happy with someone.
i miss having everyone in my life that i used to have.
i miss my family..

this whole growing up thing is hard to handle.

i think i need a way out. an escape. something new to get my mind off things.

maybe ill find it soon..

http://www.stereomood.com/song/53038

i miss you...

someday

i feel like i am living two different lives..
and sometimes i like it?
and sometimes it's the worst possible thing ever.

i have such amazing people in my life, and i love them all <3
i just feel like a change might be good.. someday..

i need a smile.

what do you do when the love of your life cheats on you.. and you find out..

live to the fullest, and don't look back

i watched an amazing movie tonight. Its called "one week"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqD9Dm_DMN8

There is the link, everyone one of you reading this HAS to watch it. It's canadian plus it is an amazing story behind it.
What would you do if you only had one week to live? would you continue to go through what you are going through.. or would you stand tall and live so you will be remembered.

This movie made me think a lot. First of all, it made me think that there is no point in me being upset and not happy. I can change that, why sit and think bad of myself. When there is a whole world out there. If that makes any sense?

I want to do so much before i die.. (if i die, i think im immortal) and if I want to do these things then i best get off my ass and start doing them.

First off, i plan to see and meet lights. and hell yes. this is already being completed!
I get to see her live on jan 20th and i have a 99% chance of meeting her. Cross your fingers for me that i will.

Second off, i want to help the world be a better place. I want to show people that there is more to the world than the one they are living in. There are so many reasons to smile out there, yet so many people are sad and heart broken. They need my help.

Third, I want to travel across the world. See the places I never thought I would be able to. Capture every second on camera, and be smiling the whole time. See the family i have never met. But heard so much about.

Last, I want to be remembered. Wait, scratch that... i WILL be remembered.

So everyone, cheer the fuck up. Get off your ass, and smile. You only live once.
And for every 60 seconds you frown, you have lost a minute of happiness.

Cheers <3

hiding

what happens when all you want is to be happy.. to see the people you care about happy and you yourself happy. but that doesnt happen?

what happens when you are so close to a mental breakdown all you want to do is lay in bed and hid under your blankets for a better day. When you want to see noone, not even your friends your closest to..

What happens when being let down is a normal thing in your life..

How is this right? how can someone want so much in life, and get to little back.
i understand i need to try harder and not get let down.. but why is it so hard for me?

why can't i just have an easy life for once. With people in my life that don't leave whenever they feel like it. when they can just talk me down and be okay with it.

Why do i have to seem mentally fucked up? when all i want to do is be happy...

i love you

you know when you find that one person?
when you know you have a hate love relationship
but the love overpowers the struggles?

yah i found him :)