i can't forget you

sometimes it amazes me how low and unloving some people can be, but then people can still be so addicted and in love with them? so have no feelings or emotions to not even realize you are hurting the "love of your life" more than thinkly possible.

sometimes it amazes me how unwanted i can feel in this world even though there are 6 billion people here just living their life. They are happy, and they enjoy what they have in life. so why can't i be one of those people?
why do i have to be so selfish when it comes to my life, and why do i have to not appreciate the good things i have in my life. Or well the great things.

i saw my brother two days ago, the brother who was there when i was born, the first person who touched me when i came into this world. The brother who i was best friends with all growing up, but now he hates me. He disowned me, and when i saw him, he didnt even notice me. it's like im not even there, a ghost to him. and it kills me. literally breaks my heart into pieces. how can a brother hate a sister just because they have a relationship with their dad.
how can he possibly have that much hate for me?
it hurts.. a lot more than people realize.

so then when other people ditch me, or not talk to me that are close to me, it scares me. scares me to the place where i don't even want to leave my house because i dont want to lose anymore important people in my life.

it's weird because im happy. Whenever im with people, i am happy. But as soon as i get alone, i think about things way too much and i break things into small pieces and i ruin things. i ruin everything i have in my life, until i have nothing.

i don't want to be in that place again, and im scared if i keep this up, im going to be there.
i need people more than i have ever needed them before.
If only they knew...