how do you save a life?

sometimes it just boggles my mind that life is what it is.
people fall in love, people fall out of love, and then people get hurt. that is pretty much what our world revolves around; love

i mean cool, its a nice feeling. But can't people be happy alone, and cant people get over others and become happy? or do they feel the need to make sure the heartbreaker knows how much they ruined the others life.
and all the fucking bullshit.
honestly, its not fair. and  i think people need to grow up and be able to be happy and alone;single.


but i don't think it will happen,

anyways, not in the mood. happy new years everyone <3

i hope that i'll make it

i have that feeling in my stomach where i just don't know.
the knots in my stomach won't leave me alone, and i just feel like i need a hug.
i need someone to tell me things are going to get better, and as much as some people say i am worth my time.

i want to be with my family, and i wanted to be cared for in my life.
i want to make a change.

i know i have fucked things up a fair share of times, and i finally fully take responsibility for that. And i know the people i have hurt personally, or in one way or another probably won't be reading this, i still want to say sorry for everything i have ever done. In the past months i have lost a handful of friends. And i know if they left, they werent great friends. But still, all in all i miss them.

They were in my life for some reason or another. So they still meant something to me. i will always remember our times we had. With all my old friends, and no matter the distance the world has made us, they will always still be special to me.

things have changed, and i know things will always still be changing. I just hate change way too much to be okay with it.

i don't know what i am trying to say, all im trying to say is im sorry and i hope i will eventually make up for all my mistakes in the future.

and i hope to god, this feeling inside my stomach will leave in time.

a beautiful mile

oh hello,
i have missed you so much. and i have felt alittle weird not writing in here. so i will write now :)
i really wonder sometimes if people actually read this.. and if they do what the fuck they think. because if i ever read this, i would think i am alittle insane in my membrane.
but i really like writing in here. and when i go on rants its so much eaiser to keep typing and not "writing" it in my journal. I do have a journal and i write in it, just my laptop is always with me so i write here more.
i think im going to change that in the year year. And writing in my journal and this everyday.

but this is short, and im going to go to mcdonalds and buy some coffee.. mmm!
ill write in this more tonight.

christmas baby

when its christmas, and youre not with your family it is a different kind of christmas.
i mean the gifts are good, and the food is too. But with no family it means no feeling in your tummy of closeness.
i love christmas and i love giving gifts, i just miss my family.

when i was younger we used to go to church on christmas eve and then we would go for a walk in the snow. Wed come home and drink coco and all that stuff. Wake up in the morning open our stockings and then eat a good breakfast. When the breakfast was finished we start opening gifts.

i miss my family so much,
but am thankful for what i have now and all the people in my life.

<3

im confused,
together forever? is there even a forever anymore.
i don't think so.
thanks all.
fmling.

no matter how many fuck up's someone can have in their life, they will never know the extent of a regret. No one ever will realize what a regret is. Because is someone actually regretted something, they shouldn't have done it in the first place, since it was/would have been a bad idea.
no matter what people say, no one will know the extent of a human life. no one will realize that in the end you die, and everyone with time will forget you even existed. Now thats a scary thing if you ask me.

what i don't fully understand with "life" is what is the point in trying to make a mark in the world, if youre just going to die in the end. Why would you want to be famous after you die for something you did. When in the end, you won't be able to see the change you made if youre gone.
i just can't get it through my mind that in years to come, i am going to die, and nothing i have done will be affecting peoples lives.

i will be gone, and my memories will soon wash away, and the people around me will move on with their lives forgetting mine.

mindboggling.
something i am not ready for just yet.

i have knots in my stomach.
the knots are for the life that is becoming, the life i have made which i hate.
i hate everything that has become, i am not the happy girl i used to be and that just isn't me.
life is not what i excepted it to be.
my friend from halifax hung herself the other day.
that just  makes it even more vital that life is not as good as "people" think it is.
things become fucked up, and people fuck up, and then things become more fucked up.
excuse my language.


but none the less,
thats all. i just wanted to say, im scared, and hating right about now.

oh and you know something else that royally upsets me?
when people make plans, which is family and then it doesnt happy. and i who is 17 has to figure it all out.
to get fucking christmas gifts. no, not my parent, they could never figure a way to get their only daughter gifts, the girl has to do it herself.
as always, always by herself.

fuck it right?

i get by

i don't think i will be able to ever accept myself for who i am or what i have become. life changes many things, but i did not think ever it had the ability to change me. But to my viewing it has.

or was i the one to change me?
i guess in the end, i myself did change me. and when i think about it again and again, i don't think i like this change.

i used to think a lot about the future, and what i wanted and how i wanted to go to school and do something really great in life. and as it turns out, i still want to do all that. I just don't want to go to school for it. i dont think i need to go to school to realize my potential to this world. I  think in the back of my mind i already know what it is and what i want to do.
it just now has to come forward and let me act apon it.

a lot has been going on lately, and i am sure no one is reading this, or if someone is they probably know about it. Since all of liverpool seems to know my whole life story even though i only have 5 friends pretty much.

bitches

anyways, i have learned that no matter what life throws at you, you in the end will have to dodge it to get by. And no matter what happens, people will always hate you.

That is the hard part for me, i never make choices based on myself. And then when i do, and hurt someone else, i end up feeling so guilty and it ruins everything even more.
i make decisions based on others, and not what i truly want.
but in all reality, i dont know what i truly want?

fml

this all makes no sense, just blah blahs.

butterflies

falling down didn't ever seem so hard until you were in high school. and you fell. fell from the top all the way to the bottom.
but everyone has to fall at some point in their life, we all have to fall to learn how to get back up. to get back into the world that soon will become a reality.
everyone has a past, and everyone in the end will fuck it up. no one is perfect, and no one is terrible. people are just people.

hitting rock bottom is something different for all to see, some see it as a way to get better, but then some see it as a way to give up even more. its a part of life which creates a better person no matter how "bad" the person was before they hit.

everyone deserves a second chance, but not everyone gets one.

i dont know what i am trying to say, all i know is that:

in the end, high school doesn't matter. the true friends are the ones who will be with you always, and not cause stupid pointless drama. When you grow up, everyone else from your past is not going to matter. they created who you are today, and in the future.
who even cares about them.

keep your head led strong, and with time things will fix themselves.

Gandhi once said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it.

there are so many people in this world, now when you think about it, what you do in your life, is not going to affect a person on the opposite side of the world. but what you choose to do in life will affect the people around you on a daily basis. even the little things you pick day to day, could in the end, change the world you are living in.

do you think it's possible for people to be able to have those powers?
to be able to decide when they want to change the world?

in my honest opinion, i am happy they have the power. but do not believe they know they have the world in the palm of their hands, i do not believe that they know they have the power that they actually contain.
imagine, doing one little things one day could change the way your life turns out all together. getting on that subway, getting in that car, going to work, meeting that one person.

it all has a reason, yet while it is happening you do not know the reason for it.
it boggles my mind, to know we all contain the power to change the world, but we do not do anything about it because we are so absent minded about "power" about the thing it truly is.
we as humans don't believe any normal person has the power to change anything in this world, not even the small things, but i know, i know in the back of everyones mind they want to change things.
even the little things, they realize they could. they are just scared.
everyone is scared.
i am too.

love

with all the people in the world, how is it that one person can find someone and fall madly inlove with them. just like that, it's actually breathe taking if you ask me. To find someone you get along with so well, they become your complete everything. And no  matter what age too. the feeling or emotion of love is out there. For everyone to have once or twice in their life time.

Love is one of the best feelings to have in the world, but it is also one of the worst. The pain you can feel from a heartbreak or just a fight is quite strange to say the least. Once you find love, it controls your life. Not in a bad way. but its all you think about. Day and night. The person you love. Where they are, how they feel, what they are doing. Its always on your mind. Sometimes it can get hard, but if you truly love that person you have to realize and most people do that it will get better. Love hurts, but in the end love heals.

best friends.

nothing beats breaking it down and dancing with your best friend to put you in a better mood. it's one of the best things in the world.

i am so glad jasmine has been there for me through out my whole life. it means the world to me that i can always have her to count on and make me feel better.
ever since grade 4 when i came to liverpool she has never stopped being my friend.
no matter the fights we have had, and no matter the extent of them, i will always love her the same.
she is my best friend.

forever <3

couldnt find the door in the morning

holy f,
i am about to lose my mind. i wish this whole blog wasn't as depressing as it is, but i can not help it. i think i actually am going insane  because i don't know how to even smile anymore right now.
all i have been doing is freaking out, and ripping shit up.

first of all, what is even stress doing. it does not accomplish anything by putting itself on people. if i was stress i would have to be me, because in the end you are just making people freak out more and hate their life. its actually the most pointless thing in the world. Some people think its good to have stress because it makes you motivated but let me tell you.

im stressed to the max, and i want nothing more than to sleep and not wake up. sleep is the only good thing right about now. and i know thats all alittle "emo" but seriously life needs to lay off and let me be happy for once because i really am not happy.

i got thinking about a lot of stuff and personally i think school is stupid. it makes people conform into one big trend and makes so much drama happen which there is no need for. Yes school is important and you need an education blah blah blah i get it. But i don't think i want one. atleast not a university one just yet.

i feel the need to travel, to get out of this shit hole and become free and happy. see the world, the world i could have when i am ready to have.
and trust me, im ready now.
i want to see england with my family, i want to see ontario.
i just want to see anything other than this fucking town of liverpool.

because if i continue to see this town for much longer, i will put myself into a mental hospital hahah.

this rant is done, thanks for listening.

the old magk

sometimes i feel like the life i live, isn't the one i was suppose to live. i feel like i was meant to be so much more then i am. as of right now, i have a political science test tomorrow and i have no started to study for it yet. see the thing is, i know i need to and i realize it. i just don't give a shit about it.
but when i get it back, and i do bad on it i know i will care then.

sometimes i just don't understand anything, and sometimes i just feel the need to break down and cry about everything. as stupid as that seems.

i miss feeling important, i miss being someones everything, i miss having a boyfriend and being a girlfriend. i miss knowing that person is yours and no one elses. and sometimes i regret things a lot of things. like what i did to ruin all the things i miss.

it seems like i have been messing up a lot of things lately and that just isn't who i am. i dont normally do that, and i hate it. i hate what i have become. i want the old molly back before i start to hate myself even more.

help?

where did i go wrong

why is it that the ones you love the most always are the ones you push away? is it because you know if they actually love you like you love them, they will always be there for you. Ready to come back.
or is it because they know you just tend to push people away.
because in my case, my mom lives 2 hours from me, my brother the same, my dad half away around the world, all my other family, 3 provinces away, and my best friend a province again.
why is it that everyone i love other then my best friend here lives far from me.
what did i do to deserve this?
i miss them all.
i need them all back in my life.

sunrise

starting from rock bottom again, and trying to make your life better is something i have got used to. Yet i have never felt like how im feeling now though. to have the feeling of being completely alone, and then fucking things up majorly to have lost your best friend/soul mate is a hard thing to grasp onto.

and even though i don't think i have grasped onto it as much as i should, i have realized i need to change. i had a heart to heart with someone i look up to a lot and her words changed a lot already about how i feel. i know i have changed in the past year for the better because my best friend made me realize i am worth something in life. when i lost this best friend, my world came crashing down, and on top of this, i was the one to ruin it which makes no sense. anyways, after talking to her i realize even though i have changed in the past year, i have changed a lot since September and in the last 2 weeks.. And this change was bad. i started not caring about anything or anyone. i only cared about myself and i haven't ever been like that. i really try to be a selfless person and lately i have not. i hurt the one person who means the world to me, and i regret ever doing that.

i became mean, and just overwhelmed with everything life threw at me. And when something was thrown at me, i didn't want to have anything to do with it. i didn't listen to teachers, i was mean to the lady i live with, i was just a terrible person. i hate myself for doing that. but i am so glad i have finally realized what i should not be like. And knowing i have changed in the past 2 weeks to someone i don't want to be, someone who isn't me scares me.

i want to be molly again, i want to be that kind girl who loves to write and be around her friends. i want the molly back who will eventually be mac. i've fucked a lot up in the last two weeks that i need to get my shit together and fix before i become someone i hate even more.

trust is something that has to be earned back, and eventually i hope i get that back. because i know i can't lose my best friend again, i know i can't be apart from someone who means so much to me.
im sorry for everything i've done. and if you read this know i'll always be here waiting for you because i love you to the moon and back.
and i hope you forgive me before i grow old <3

realization

what happens when youre world comes crashing down? what happens when you know youve fuck up so bad that nothing will ever get fixed?

well right now thats my life. i have realized i have fucked up more than anything in this world, and i messed up more than a friendship/relationship. i've messed so much up about my life. i don't have something i want to do anymore, i don't have people around for me anymore, and i just don't care.
i used to have so many different friends, and they all were there for me. but now they are gone, and i miss them more than anything. i used to have my mom and dad, and him there for me.
and i fucked that up too.
it makes me understand why people ruin their lives, and give up. because i am in that stage right now.
nothing will ever fix what i have become and what i have ruined.
nothing will fix anything, and i don't want to realize that but i have.
i miss when i didn't fuck things up for myself and the ones i love...

easy as can be

Love isn't perfect. It isn't a fairytale or a storybook  and it doesn't always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without. Love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, every second of it was worth it because you did it together.

breakeven

what happens when you think youre in love, and then you break up. and what happens when even though youre broken up, you see things that break your heart again into a million different pieces?
and what happens when you don't know what is going on, and you cry for hours just on end.
what happens when all you do is want to sleep and listen to sad music and eat.
because that is how i am feeling right now. and when it comes to all this drama/stressful times, i have to remember i am in the middle of my last year of high school.
i have to remember all the people judging me on a daily basis.

all and all, it makes me want to more even more to halifax than i want to now.
i want to start fresh, where no one knows me and my past.
i want to make a new life for me, a life that i was never able to achieve.
and i am going to achieve this life in the summer of 2011.

watch out, because i am not going to give up, no matter how fucking shitty things get in my life.
i will keep my chin up, i will not back down even though i want to so bad.
i am better than everything my life is putting me through now.

i am molly, and i am going to be something someday.

just forget the world

what happens to a 17 year old, who thinks they know everything, then all of a sudden their world changes.
their thoughts become like scrambled eggs, and everything becomes different.
what happened when they don't know anything anymore? well, at this point in time i am feeling that way. i feel like my life is a blur and i am not sure when i want to be able to see again.
i know what i want in my life, and i know what i want in the future,
but when i really think about it, is that what i want?
it may be, but do i really think i can achieve things to get that far in life?
no, i don't and to tell everyone the truth.
i don't think there is a reason why i should right now get to that point.

i miss my old life, my old friends, my family, and i miss ontario.
i miss waking up in a house where my real family was, i hate being an orphan.
i want it all back, but i know there is no way of getting everything back.
there is no possible way i can see that i will ever become the person i want to be.
and right now, at this point where i am, i don't think i care too much about it.

growth

Nothing is ever calm in the light of the day,
And when it turns dark outside and when the lights shut off it still doesn’t change.

On the other hand, people change though.
People change every second the clock is ticking.
Every second the water is dripping.

People change who they are, and who they need to be.
They change their styles, their words and their dreams.
They change the person they grew up as.

Never though does the world calm down while they are in this process.
Never do the people fade out though, when the lights do.

Humans are something impossible to understand in this world.
Just like time is.

What is time even?

What is there to live for in this world, when the time is clicking and ticking

What are humans even?

They are something the world made,
To feel the hurt of break ups,
To feel the love of make ups,
To feel the stress of waking up,
And to feel the accomplishments’ of growing up.

Yet,
While this is all happening every and each human feels pain.
The pain from other, themselves and the world.

Nothing is ever calm in this world, and humans will learn that as they grow.
As they grow up to be potentially something they don’t even want to be.

inspiration

I used to hate this town. I used to hate every single blade of grass on every hill, but he taught me so much. He taught me that it's not the job of this town to make me feel happy. It's not its fault that I don't fit in. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, because it's about where you are in your head. It's about the other world I inhabit. The world of dreams, hope, imagination, and memories.

Never think you are nothing. Never cry at night for not being pretty enough. And never tell yourself you're not good enough, because to someone out there, you're everything. And somebody else probably thinks the world of you. You may not know who they are, but they do exist. So don't ever think that way about yourself.

When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults. You don't look for answers. You don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes. You accept the faults and you overlook excuses. The measure of love is when you love without measure. There are rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and who loves you in return. So once you have it, don't ever let go. The chance might never come your way again. 

quotes found on xanga. 

the things i see

i see that the world isn't something everyone wants to be in. i understand there are so many different types of people here, and i understand that these people do different things. Some go to school, some sell drugs. but at the end of the day. they are who they are, and they are that way because its what they want in life.

i see people always happy, cheerful and i get so envious of them. i don't understand how they can get the way they are and i can not. i can get happy for awhile, then i end up ruining it. i end up pushing people away like i did to my ex boyfriend of 13 months. i came to realize, i push the ones i love away. Away the furthest so i can't hurt them anymore. So i can be alone, because i have learned so well how i can be alone. Since i have been for the majority of my life.

Yes, i know i love him, and yes i know he could make me happy. But i pushed him away so i could just be alone, where i feel like i need to be. i do this to so many people and it scares me alot. it scares me that i wont grow up and be happy. that i will always push everyone away and never have what i truly want in life.

a family
a child

i need help if im ever going to be able to do that, and i just want to ask. the people i've pushed away in the past, its not you. its me. and i know thats cheesy and cliche or whatever it is.
but all in all its true. i do this to myself every single time, and i have no one else to blame for it. and who ever has been pushed away by me, remember you had nothing to do with it.

stuck in the movement

What do you have to live for,
When your world is coming down.
The sky is falling down, your heart is breaking.

What do you have to live for,
When your friends are moving on.
They are leaving to live their lives.

What do you have to live for,
When you don’t know what your life is going to be.
The options are open, but you are closed off to them.

You have everything to live for.
That’s the answer.

You have your family and friends to live for.
You have the possibilities to live for.
That’s the answer.

So, when you are stuck and in a rut
Look around you
Look around at the world you’re living in.

That is why you can not give up,
That is why the world is coming down
So you can start a new one.
A fresh one.

It’s not the end, it’s only the beginning now.
The beginning of the life that needs to be lived.