and even though i don't think i have grasped onto it as much as i should, i have realized i need to change. i had a heart to heart with someone i look up to a lot and her words changed a lot already about how i feel. i know i have changed in the past year for the better because my best friend made me realize i am worth something in life. when i lost this best friend, my world came crashing down, and on top of this, i was the one to ruin it which makes no sense. anyways, after talking to her i realize even though i have changed in the past year, i have changed a lot since September and in the last 2 weeks.. And this change was bad. i started not caring about anything or anyone. i only cared about myself and i haven't ever been like that. i really try to be a selfless person and lately i have not. i hurt the one person who means the world to me, and i regret ever doing that.
i became mean, and just overwhelmed with everything life threw at me. And when something was thrown at me, i didn't want to have anything to do with it. i didn't listen to teachers, i was mean to the lady i live with, i was just a terrible person. i hate myself for doing that. but i am so glad i have finally realized what i should not be like. And knowing i have changed in the past 2 weeks to someone i don't want to be, someone who isn't me scares me.
i want to be molly again, i want to be that kind girl who loves to write and be around her friends. i want the molly back who will eventually be mac. i've fucked a lot up in the last two weeks that i need to get my shit together and fix before i become someone i hate even more.
trust is something that has to be earned back, and eventually i hope i get that back. because i know i can't lose my best friend again, i know i can't be apart from someone who means so much to me.
im sorry for everything i've done. and if you read this know i'll always be here waiting for you because i love you to the moon and back.
and i hope you forgive me before i grow old <3
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