i see that the world isn't something everyone wants to be in. i understand there are so many different types of people here, and i understand that these people do different things. Some go to school, some sell drugs. but at the end of the day. they are who they are, and they are that way because its what they want in life.
i see people always happy, cheerful and i get so envious of them. i don't understand how they can get the way they are and i can not. i can get happy for awhile, then i end up ruining it. i end up pushing people away like i did to my ex boyfriend of 13 months. i came to realize, i push the ones i love away. Away the furthest so i can't hurt them anymore. So i can be alone, because i have learned so well how i can be alone. Since i have been for the majority of my life.
Yes, i know i love him, and yes i know he could make me happy. But i pushed him away so i could just be alone, where i feel like i need to be. i do this to so many people and it scares me alot. it scares me that i wont grow up and be happy. that i will always push everyone away and never have what i truly want in life.
a family
a child
i need help if im ever going to be able to do that, and i just want to ask. the people i've pushed away in the past, its not you. its me. and i know thats cheesy and cliche or whatever it is.
but all in all its true. i do this to myself every single time, and i have no one else to blame for it. and who ever has been pushed away by me, remember you had nothing to do with it.
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