how do you save a life?

sometimes it just boggles my mind that life is what it is.
people fall in love, people fall out of love, and then people get hurt. that is pretty much what our world revolves around; love

i mean cool, its a nice feeling. But can't people be happy alone, and cant people get over others and become happy? or do they feel the need to make sure the heartbreaker knows how much they ruined the others life.
and all the fucking bullshit.
honestly, its not fair. and  i think people need to grow up and be able to be happy and alone;single.


but i don't think it will happen,

anyways, not in the mood. happy new years everyone <3

i hope that i'll make it

i have that feeling in my stomach where i just don't know.
the knots in my stomach won't leave me alone, and i just feel like i need a hug.
i need someone to tell me things are going to get better, and as much as some people say i am worth my time.

i want to be with my family, and i wanted to be cared for in my life.
i want to make a change.

i know i have fucked things up a fair share of times, and i finally fully take responsibility for that. And i know the people i have hurt personally, or in one way or another probably won't be reading this, i still want to say sorry for everything i have ever done. In the past months i have lost a handful of friends. And i know if they left, they werent great friends. But still, all in all i miss them.

They were in my life for some reason or another. So they still meant something to me. i will always remember our times we had. With all my old friends, and no matter the distance the world has made us, they will always still be special to me.

things have changed, and i know things will always still be changing. I just hate change way too much to be okay with it.

i don't know what i am trying to say, all im trying to say is im sorry and i hope i will eventually make up for all my mistakes in the future.

and i hope to god, this feeling inside my stomach will leave in time.

a beautiful mile

oh hello,
i have missed you so much. and i have felt alittle weird not writing in here. so i will write now :)
i really wonder sometimes if people actually read this.. and if they do what the fuck they think. because if i ever read this, i would think i am alittle insane in my membrane.
but i really like writing in here. and when i go on rants its so much eaiser to keep typing and not "writing" it in my journal. I do have a journal and i write in it, just my laptop is always with me so i write here more.
i think im going to change that in the year year. And writing in my journal and this everyday.

but this is short, and im going to go to mcdonalds and buy some coffee.. mmm!
ill write in this more tonight.

christmas baby

when its christmas, and youre not with your family it is a different kind of christmas.
i mean the gifts are good, and the food is too. But with no family it means no feeling in your tummy of closeness.
i love christmas and i love giving gifts, i just miss my family.

when i was younger we used to go to church on christmas eve and then we would go for a walk in the snow. Wed come home and drink coco and all that stuff. Wake up in the morning open our stockings and then eat a good breakfast. When the breakfast was finished we start opening gifts.

i miss my family so much,
but am thankful for what i have now and all the people in my life.

<3

im confused,
together forever? is there even a forever anymore.
i don't think so.
thanks all.
fmling.

no matter how many fuck up's someone can have in their life, they will never know the extent of a regret. No one ever will realize what a regret is. Because is someone actually regretted something, they shouldn't have done it in the first place, since it was/would have been a bad idea.
no matter what people say, no one will know the extent of a human life. no one will realize that in the end you die, and everyone with time will forget you even existed. Now thats a scary thing if you ask me.

what i don't fully understand with "life" is what is the point in trying to make a mark in the world, if youre just going to die in the end. Why would you want to be famous after you die for something you did. When in the end, you won't be able to see the change you made if youre gone.
i just can't get it through my mind that in years to come, i am going to die, and nothing i have done will be affecting peoples lives.

i will be gone, and my memories will soon wash away, and the people around me will move on with their lives forgetting mine.

mindboggling.
something i am not ready for just yet.

i have knots in my stomach.
the knots are for the life that is becoming, the life i have made which i hate.
i hate everything that has become, i am not the happy girl i used to be and that just isn't me.
life is not what i excepted it to be.
my friend from halifax hung herself the other day.
that just  makes it even more vital that life is not as good as "people" think it is.
things become fucked up, and people fuck up, and then things become more fucked up.
excuse my language.


but none the less,
thats all. i just wanted to say, im scared, and hating right about now.

oh and you know something else that royally upsets me?
when people make plans, which is family and then it doesnt happy. and i who is 17 has to figure it all out.
to get fucking christmas gifts. no, not my parent, they could never figure a way to get their only daughter gifts, the girl has to do it herself.
as always, always by herself.

fuck it right?

i get by

i don't think i will be able to ever accept myself for who i am or what i have become. life changes many things, but i did not think ever it had the ability to change me. But to my viewing it has.

or was i the one to change me?
i guess in the end, i myself did change me. and when i think about it again and again, i don't think i like this change.

i used to think a lot about the future, and what i wanted and how i wanted to go to school and do something really great in life. and as it turns out, i still want to do all that. I just don't want to go to school for it. i dont think i need to go to school to realize my potential to this world. I  think in the back of my mind i already know what it is and what i want to do.
it just now has to come forward and let me act apon it.

a lot has been going on lately, and i am sure no one is reading this, or if someone is they probably know about it. Since all of liverpool seems to know my whole life story even though i only have 5 friends pretty much.

bitches

anyways, i have learned that no matter what life throws at you, you in the end will have to dodge it to get by. And no matter what happens, people will always hate you.

That is the hard part for me, i never make choices based on myself. And then when i do, and hurt someone else, i end up feeling so guilty and it ruins everything even more.
i make decisions based on others, and not what i truly want.
but in all reality, i dont know what i truly want?

fml

this all makes no sense, just blah blahs.

butterflies

falling down didn't ever seem so hard until you were in high school. and you fell. fell from the top all the way to the bottom.
but everyone has to fall at some point in their life, we all have to fall to learn how to get back up. to get back into the world that soon will become a reality.
everyone has a past, and everyone in the end will fuck it up. no one is perfect, and no one is terrible. people are just people.

hitting rock bottom is something different for all to see, some see it as a way to get better, but then some see it as a way to give up even more. its a part of life which creates a better person no matter how "bad" the person was before they hit.

everyone deserves a second chance, but not everyone gets one.

i dont know what i am trying to say, all i know is that:

in the end, high school doesn't matter. the true friends are the ones who will be with you always, and not cause stupid pointless drama. When you grow up, everyone else from your past is not going to matter. they created who you are today, and in the future.
who even cares about them.

keep your head led strong, and with time things will fix themselves.

Gandhi once said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it.

there are so many people in this world, now when you think about it, what you do in your life, is not going to affect a person on the opposite side of the world. but what you choose to do in life will affect the people around you on a daily basis. even the little things you pick day to day, could in the end, change the world you are living in.

do you think it's possible for people to be able to have those powers?
to be able to decide when they want to change the world?

in my honest opinion, i am happy they have the power. but do not believe they know they have the world in the palm of their hands, i do not believe that they know they have the power that they actually contain.
imagine, doing one little things one day could change the way your life turns out all together. getting on that subway, getting in that car, going to work, meeting that one person.

it all has a reason, yet while it is happening you do not know the reason for it.
it boggles my mind, to know we all contain the power to change the world, but we do not do anything about it because we are so absent minded about "power" about the thing it truly is.
we as humans don't believe any normal person has the power to change anything in this world, not even the small things, but i know, i know in the back of everyones mind they want to change things.
even the little things, they realize they could. they are just scared.
everyone is scared.
i am too.