falling in love has to be one of the most unexplainable emotions a person will feel in their lives. it's like the heat of a bonfire, with the harshest winds hitting your face at the same time.
i remember falling in love. The beginning is a feeling everyone wants to feel once or twice in their lives. The feeling of being wanted, loved, and important to someone.
the experiences you have with your love life somehow seem to be so important. more important than just hanging out with a friend. Falling in love creates a new space in the brain and every little thing to do with your love life seems important. the movie ticket from a date must be kept, every song that reminds you of that one person... trust me, the songs will always remind you of that one person even years down the road.
I have always been a true believer in romance and love. Soul mates. but the dependability you begin to feel is the scariest feeling i have felt in my life. It's something I do not like. It makes me scared of love. makes me regret even falling in love.
" i think about you day and night. it's only right"
living my life for myself is very important for me. And ever since I have fallen in love it seems to have changed. He is constantly on my mind.
" I can't go here because he might want to call me "
" will he be okay with me doing this "
Sitting around waiting for him to come online,
sitting around waiting for him to call.
It seems like he is continuing his life, while mine has been put on hold all because i am dependant on him.
What scares me the most, is it's like an addiction. He is my drug, and when we aren't talking I feel low, alone and feel like nothing. There is a constant feeling of emptiness in my stomach.
And at the end of the day, when we finally talk I feel angry because he hasn't been part of my day. I'm not angry at anything because of him. I'm angry because he's out living my life, and I don't know how to do that.
Love is a strange thing. Love concurs all, but it always eliminates a lot if you're not loving someone properly and healthy.
It doesn't matter how much I know i need to change the feeling of need I have, it never changes. No matter how much i work on it, I still am sitting here waiting for him to come on facebook.
The scariest part about falling in love, is when it's done. When you and that person don't talk anymore. When something happened in the blink of an eye and they are no longer in your life. They are no longer your best friend, your side kick. No longer the person you look to for advice, wisdom, help. When you don't have closure and you are seeking for it, and it doesn't happen. That feeling of emptiness comes haunting back.
heartbreak is the most unbearable, unimaginable, unspeakable feeling this world has to offer. It will rip your heart into pieces, and will make your eyes become waterfalls.
If I had any advice to give, it would be:
Fall in love. experience the fireworks your heart will set off. Experience the feeling of contentment and pure joy. Just never become dependant on a person, because no matter what, and no matter the promises, no one will ever live up to what you expect in another person.
Don't be scared to fall in love, it's something everyone will go through, and something you will never forget. But realize nothing lasts forever, and someday, you will either break up, fall out of love, or one will die and the feelings you will feel then will make you wish you had never gained such strong feelings for another human being.
trust me.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
type of girl
To this day, i think about the past as the future.
And the future, as a sure thing.
I think about the present as not quite right.
I am the type of girl who can't understand that the present is enough,
I am the type of girl who needs more than that.
A sure definition of what is going to happen.
A sure definition of why the past happened the way it did.
I am the type of girl who has too big of a heart,
and not enough tear ducts.
Contentment is my happiness,
my happiness is seeing other people overjoyed.
it feels like my heart is just there..
..sitting..waiting..wondering..
Sitting for the butterflies to flutter.
Waiting for the moment I finally realize i AM happy.
Wondering why I can't see that, the moment is now.
Happiness for me is seeing the ones i love live their life
happiness for me is watching other people laugh
seeing the winkles in their eyes when they feel infinite.
I am the type of girl who knows the past isn't the present,
and the future is unknown.
but still doesn't know how to move on.
How do you move on..
I am the type of girl, who knows what she wants
but doesn't want to wait for the future.
I am me.
and i am more than content..
I am overjoyed with the butterflies fluttering
my eyes are alive with wrinkles
I am alive, and I feel infinite.
Friday, January 4, 2013
a start
as she laid there stone cold
she looked up to the sky.
it was white..
big..
infinite..
how can someone be so small,
but their problems seem so big?
as time passed she realized there is so much more to life than the little pity things. Although she felt empty she came to the understanding this is her life.
She can't have it all.
hell, she can't even have half of it.
What she has is what she gets,
and even if she doesn't like it or understand why it's this way.
it just is.
alone is the number one feeling she has. not the normal alone but the crying in the bathroom stall alone.
The feeling of her heart shattering,
terrified to go on...
But in this moment she is alive and that is a start
she looked up to the sky.
it was white..
big..
infinite..
how can someone be so small,
but their problems seem so big?
as time passed she realized there is so much more to life than the little pity things. Although she felt empty she came to the understanding this is her life.
She can't have it all.
hell, she can't even have half of it.
What she has is what she gets,
and even if she doesn't like it or understand why it's this way.
it just is.
alone is the number one feeling she has. not the normal alone but the crying in the bathroom stall alone.
The feeling of her heart shattering,
terrified to go on...
But in this moment she is alive and that is a start
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
broken
I have never felt more alone in my whole life than what I am feeling right now. This is suppose to be "my year" I'm in my final year of college. I am suppose to be living it up, drinking, partying and making the friendships that are suppose to last for my life.
But that is not the cause.
My best friend lives in Liverpool. And she has her own family now.. how hard do you think that is for me? I'm so happy for her and everything she has going for her. I just miss her, I miss seeing her and just being fucking retarded together. But now she has her own life to worry about and take care of.. plus shes 2 hours away from me.
My mother wants nothing to do with me. Whenever I ask her to hang out she makes an excuse to not have to see me. She is not capable of loving anyone and that hurts me. What goes through your mind that you have kids so when they are older they have to support you? What goes on in your mind when you don't love your child as much or more than anything you love in this world.
If you were to have a kid, wouldn't they be your complete everything? Wouldn't you want to see them, ask how they're doing, talk to them, just maybe even tell them you love them. How is that not possible? She makes me sick to my stomach. i'm done waiting around for her and getting hurt in the end.
What have I always said? Family doesn't last forever.
On the other note,
When I moved up here I lost a lot of my friends. I lost them because they went to university and met their new friends. They started to have their own lives.
I fucking things up royally with my ex, and now all his friends and family don't like me.
how could I have come so far in my life, but feel like i'm at a stand still. To feel like I am only going backwards and not enjoying my life like I should be.
I feel so seperated from this world, from the people in it. I feel like I am so alone, there isn't even a point in trying to be friends with people. All I want to do at this point is crawl up under my sheets and hide away for days.
I hope this feeling goes away soon.. My heart is already too broken.
But that is not the cause.
My best friend lives in Liverpool. And she has her own family now.. how hard do you think that is for me? I'm so happy for her and everything she has going for her. I just miss her, I miss seeing her and just being fucking retarded together. But now she has her own life to worry about and take care of.. plus shes 2 hours away from me.
My mother wants nothing to do with me. Whenever I ask her to hang out she makes an excuse to not have to see me. She is not capable of loving anyone and that hurts me. What goes through your mind that you have kids so when they are older they have to support you? What goes on in your mind when you don't love your child as much or more than anything you love in this world.
If you were to have a kid, wouldn't they be your complete everything? Wouldn't you want to see them, ask how they're doing, talk to them, just maybe even tell them you love them. How is that not possible? She makes me sick to my stomach. i'm done waiting around for her and getting hurt in the end.
What have I always said? Family doesn't last forever.
On the other note,
When I moved up here I lost a lot of my friends. I lost them because they went to university and met their new friends. They started to have their own lives.
I fucking things up royally with my ex, and now all his friends and family don't like me.
how could I have come so far in my life, but feel like i'm at a stand still. To feel like I am only going backwards and not enjoying my life like I should be.
I feel so seperated from this world, from the people in it. I feel like I am so alone, there isn't even a point in trying to be friends with people. All I want to do at this point is crawl up under my sheets and hide away for days.
I hope this feeling goes away soon.. My heart is already too broken.
Friday, September 28, 2012
emotionless
how can something small hurt me so bad? I have dealt with it for 2 years now, but it's starting to eat away at me. My insides are slowly caving in, my heart is breaking piece by piece. Im scared.
happiness is defined as :
why can't I have intense joy? it seems like i have become an emotionless human being and thats the scariest part of my life right now.
I'm scared to be alone yes,
I'm scared of growing up,
I'm scared he'll be the one that got away.
But most of all I'm scared because i am not me.
I thought of myself as a happy person before, open, talkative, carefree.
But now i am quiet, i never talk when im in groups of people, I hide my emotions, and my heart is no longer on my sleeve.
And.. im scared.
happiness is defined as :
|
why can't I have intense joy? it seems like i have become an emotionless human being and thats the scariest part of my life right now.
I'm scared to be alone yes,
I'm scared of growing up,
I'm scared he'll be the one that got away.
But most of all I'm scared because i am not me.
I thought of myself as a happy person before, open, talkative, carefree.
But now i am quiet, i never talk when im in groups of people, I hide my emotions, and my heart is no longer on my sleeve.
And.. im scared.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
dark as night
there she was in the dark of the night
alone, cold, and broken.
nothing in her life seemed to fit the puzzle pieces.
all the curved and jagged edges would never come together.
The pieces became broken,
like her heart.
the pieces became useless it seemed,
like her life.
instead of building a puzzle
it was like she was ripping it apart.
with every piece she cut open
she watched the blood pour out
with every broken piece,
she felt something.
she felt alive.
alone, cold, and broken.
nothing in her life seemed to fit the puzzle pieces.
all the curved and jagged edges would never come together.
The pieces became broken,
like her heart.
the pieces became useless it seemed,
like her life.
instead of building a puzzle
it was like she was ripping it apart.
with every piece she cut open
she watched the blood pour out
with every broken piece,
she felt something.
she felt alive.
Monday, July 2, 2012
you and i
and just like that all my emotions are mixed up,
it's like its just starting right over again..
and honestly I'm terrified.
i'm terrified to be me because i don't exactly know who i am. I know who i want to be but who i want to be and who i am currently aren't exactly the same thing.
I have gone through so much in the past year and I for 99% of the stuff I wish i could take them back. I regret lying to the people who i loved because lying ruins things, and when things are ruined.. i become a monster.
I used to be a happy go to girl, someone who loved to go for walks, and adventure. Someone who I thought had a lot of friends, and people enjoyed spending time with her.
but now i feel like i've separated myself from a lot of those people who made me "me" I feel alone, and not wanted. I feel like I'm not the girl who i should be.
I sit here alone in my bed listening to music and thinking about this one person. Someone who was always there for me, but I did fuck it up. I ruined a lot, and I just hope things can change one day.. someday..
I just want to have a true smile on my face,
i want to be able to walk around and show off my love.
I want to be able to sit, watch movies, learn new things and just be head over heals.
Why will i always be a hopeless romantic?
I guess I should probably start to think about the realistic stuff, that sometimes it might just not work...
But, i guess i wear my heart on my sleeve and i hope for the best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWp7tPe77Jk&feature=related
it's like its just starting right over again..
and honestly I'm terrified.
i'm terrified to be me because i don't exactly know who i am. I know who i want to be but who i want to be and who i am currently aren't exactly the same thing.
I have gone through so much in the past year and I for 99% of the stuff I wish i could take them back. I regret lying to the people who i loved because lying ruins things, and when things are ruined.. i become a monster.
I used to be a happy go to girl, someone who loved to go for walks, and adventure. Someone who I thought had a lot of friends, and people enjoyed spending time with her.
but now i feel like i've separated myself from a lot of those people who made me "me" I feel alone, and not wanted. I feel like I'm not the girl who i should be.
I sit here alone in my bed listening to music and thinking about this one person. Someone who was always there for me, but I did fuck it up. I ruined a lot, and I just hope things can change one day.. someday..
I just want to have a true smile on my face,
i want to be able to walk around and show off my love.
I want to be able to sit, watch movies, learn new things and just be head over heals.
Why will i always be a hopeless romantic?
I guess I should probably start to think about the realistic stuff, that sometimes it might just not work...
But, i guess i wear my heart on my sleeve and i hope for the best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWp7tPe77Jk&feature=related
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
quitting
so,
tomorrow I am quitting smoking. I have gone too long smoking and I don't want to smoke anymore. I'm going to have the hardest time quitting but I think I can do it. I can't afford to smoke, and I know it is really bad for me.
Honestly I am scared. All my friends smoke so quitting is going to be even harder for me. And I can smoke half a pack a day. it's got pretty bad..
I am going to write in this everyday to help me with quitting. I have read some tips on how to stop so this try I'm going cold turkey. Completely just stopping. Hopefully my friends will help me by not smoking too much around me anymore.
I can do this,
or atleast i can try.
there it is, tomorrow is day one.
Lets make this real.
My cravings are going to be the death of me, but if i try hard enough, I'm sure i can overcome it.
pray for me!
tomorrow I am quitting smoking. I have gone too long smoking and I don't want to smoke anymore. I'm going to have the hardest time quitting but I think I can do it. I can't afford to smoke, and I know it is really bad for me.
Honestly I am scared. All my friends smoke so quitting is going to be even harder for me. And I can smoke half a pack a day. it's got pretty bad..
I am going to write in this everyday to help me with quitting. I have read some tips on how to stop so this try I'm going cold turkey. Completely just stopping. Hopefully my friends will help me by not smoking too much around me anymore.
I can do this,
or atleast i can try.
there it is, tomorrow is day one.
Lets make this real.
My cravings are going to be the death of me, but if i try hard enough, I'm sure i can overcome it.
pray for me!
Saturday, May 26, 2012
empty hearts
feeling completely alone..
like no one is there for me, like none wants me around.
it's a pretty shitty feeling,
and it's been scaring me half to death.
i wish i knew what i wanted more in life.
like no one is there for me, like none wants me around.
it's a pretty shitty feeling,
and it's been scaring me half to death.
i wish i knew what i wanted more in life.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
donkey
i went to a donkey sanctuary today and it was an amazing feeling. All these donkeys came from abused places and people. And to see all the donkeys calm and friendly made me feel really emotional. it just made my heart feel so full that they could go through such a tough and heart breaking time in their life and now they are at peace.
it made me realize that no matter what you've been through doesn't mean it has to stay with your forever. it may shape you but at the end of the day you can run free from it and come out a better person. i didn't want to leave today because these donkeys made me so happy.
it just put a real smile on my face for once and made me remember that life goes on, and for me i have to learn to be happy alone without relying on someone to do it for me.
it made me realize that no matter what you've been through doesn't mean it has to stay with your forever. it may shape you but at the end of the day you can run free from it and come out a better person. i didn't want to leave today because these donkeys made me so happy.
it just put a real smile on my face for once and made me remember that life goes on, and for me i have to learn to be happy alone without relying on someone to do it for me.
Friday, May 11, 2012
hell starts to freeze
it's like a bullet has just gone through my body.
my heart is killed, and my soul is drowning in blood.
it can't swim.
im tired of feeling lost, i don't know how to even write about it.
i feel like wherever i go, i am still faced with the same problems,
the same worries, broken hearts, and tear filled eyes.
i always thought i went through a lot in my life but i am starting to realize this is only the beginning...
i just want to be someone priority and not an option anymore,
i want to feel loved for once and not fuck it up.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
drive on
2232 blog views,
i know i have had this it seems like forever but reaching this number makes me super excited.
life has been pretty good lately, being here in ontario is teaching me a lot about myself which i never thought i would learn. i have began to realize who's important in my life, and the rest honestly can go screw themselves.
I've began to love myself, and i have never got to that point in my life before which is actually amazing for me to say i like who i am turning out to be.
My relationship for the pas two years has been more than a bumpy road, but right now because i have been away makes me understand how much i need him in my life, and i know he's not air or water so i don't "need" him but honestly it feels like he keeps me together.
love is sure a difficult thing to understand, and i don't fully understand it, and i know i am not the perfect person, i know i have my screw ups and all that but i am trying so much.
but still, i need to let my red heart show too, which is kinda hard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1FH2arQh0Q
being away from family and friends is actually really hard because i have a problem that i need to feel needed and i need reassurance that i am important and with being away from the people who show me i mean something i have been feeling really unwanted and loved. But I am trying my best to just go on with my life and not concern myself with those "needs" because i know i will be okay without people telling me I'm worth it.. because i know i am.
i know i have had this it seems like forever but reaching this number makes me super excited.
life has been pretty good lately, being here in ontario is teaching me a lot about myself which i never thought i would learn. i have began to realize who's important in my life, and the rest honestly can go screw themselves.
I've began to love myself, and i have never got to that point in my life before which is actually amazing for me to say i like who i am turning out to be.
My relationship for the pas two years has been more than a bumpy road, but right now because i have been away makes me understand how much i need him in my life, and i know he's not air or water so i don't "need" him but honestly it feels like he keeps me together.
love is sure a difficult thing to understand, and i don't fully understand it, and i know i am not the perfect person, i know i have my screw ups and all that but i am trying so much.
but still, i need to let my red heart show too, which is kinda hard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1FH2arQh0Q
being away from family and friends is actually really hard because i have a problem that i need to feel needed and i need reassurance that i am important and with being away from the people who show me i mean something i have been feeling really unwanted and loved. But I am trying my best to just go on with my life and not concern myself with those "needs" because i know i will be okay without people telling me I'm worth it.. because i know i am.
@gibsonkirby
Sunday, May 6, 2012
maybe it's meant to be
i wish i wasn't such an option sometimes, it makes me feel so terrible with myself,
and i wish i knew exactly why i did the things i did, and why i pushed people close to me away because right now i could use some feel good words.
i just wish if they actually cared about me, they would show it, because when they don't it breaks my heart over and over again and i can't continue to be like this because my heart is going to be in pieces on the floor soon..
but why can't i change it? why do i put myself in these situations?
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
new life
so i am sitting at the airport waiting to fly to ontario.
ontario... for a whole month. i am leaving my life as i know it and starting a new one. it is unreal that i am going to an internship and going to finally be in this industry.
a lot has been happening in my life, and a lot of the times i never write about them. so,
i turned 19 the other day and my best friend gave me the best birthday partying in the world.
also me and my boyfriend broke up but got back together. we are so unreal together and have so much potential to be happy. So we are going to make it work and be happy, and we are going to show the world how happy we can be together.
well,
flights going to board soon and i need some tims.
so ill continue to write in this all month and explain my ontario life!
<3magk
ontario... for a whole month. i am leaving my life as i know it and starting a new one. it is unreal that i am going to an internship and going to finally be in this industry.
a lot has been happening in my life, and a lot of the times i never write about them. so,
i turned 19 the other day and my best friend gave me the best birthday partying in the world.
also me and my boyfriend broke up but got back together. we are so unreal together and have so much potential to be happy. So we are going to make it work and be happy, and we are going to show the world how happy we can be together.
well,
flights going to board soon and i need some tims.
so ill continue to write in this all month and explain my ontario life!
<3magk
Saturday, March 17, 2012
blue eyed beauty
so,
its been march break this week and i believe this week has taught me a lot about myself. a lot of things i didnt know about me, but now i know more than i knew before. i know who i can be myself around, and i know who my true friends are.
i know what i want in life, and i know i cant give up on anything anymore because the pain i have felt is not worth it. the tears i have shed made me into a better person.
i have come to the conclusion i am a very awkward person. there are very few people know who the true me is, and for the ones that do, i am sorry if i have pushed you away.
i have come to the conclusion i ruined a lot of friendships that i wish i didnt. and i really miss having friends. good friends are hard to find, and i seriously don't have many. for my past friends, im sorry for whatever reason we stopped being friends. if it was my fault i only blame myself and hopefully sometime we can fix things. for the friends i have now, you all mean everything to me. you make me happy.
and i just want to thank you for making me into the girl i want to be. because without you i would not be mighty molly.
school is back on monday, so lets get the sleeves pulled up and show everyone who i have become
<3 mm
its been march break this week and i believe this week has taught me a lot about myself. a lot of things i didnt know about me, but now i know more than i knew before. i know who i can be myself around, and i know who my true friends are.
i know what i want in life, and i know i cant give up on anything anymore because the pain i have felt is not worth it. the tears i have shed made me into a better person.
i have come to the conclusion i am a very awkward person. there are very few people know who the true me is, and for the ones that do, i am sorry if i have pushed you away.
i have come to the conclusion i ruined a lot of friendships that i wish i didnt. and i really miss having friends. good friends are hard to find, and i seriously don't have many. for my past friends, im sorry for whatever reason we stopped being friends. if it was my fault i only blame myself and hopefully sometime we can fix things. for the friends i have now, you all mean everything to me. you make me happy.
and i just want to thank you for making me into the girl i want to be. because without you i would not be mighty molly.
school is back on monday, so lets get the sleeves pulled up and show everyone who i have become
<3 mm
Thursday, March 1, 2012
leaving is just a game
my life has been a blur lately and i never have the time to write anymore.. well i am sure i have the time i have just became too lazy.
for the most part my life here has been good, i mean i have the best roommate in the world, and i have the best friend anyone could ask for in liverpool, and i also have the best friend anyone could imagine in dartmouth.
but lately.. it doesn't seem like that's enough. i overthink things and i chain smoke constantly because im sad or upset or depressed. i put on a smile for everyone at school, but sometimes its so hard.
i want to believe this is the right course for me, but sometimes i am unsure.
maybe i am too young for this?
maybe i don't have the drive..
maybe i don't even want to do this anymore.
i always thought i would love school, and dont get me wrong i love it. i love the work and i love the people in it. i have just became so lazy about homework and motivation is lacking.
i feel like i could crawl up in a hole most days and be fine with that.
you know the feeling when your heart breaks? like phyically breaks.. you can feel it through your chest and the pain feels so surreal.. well i have been having that feeling lately. and it kills me, it hurts me, it makes me sit and cry for an hour without even having a good reason to cry.
i just wish it was easy.. i just wish i could be the girl i want to be, with the boy i am in love with.. but that doesnt seem possible..
nothing seems possible.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=wwUlPXmr_6o
sorry for the sad post, its just how my heart feels.
for the most part my life here has been good, i mean i have the best roommate in the world, and i have the best friend anyone could ask for in liverpool, and i also have the best friend anyone could imagine in dartmouth.
but lately.. it doesn't seem like that's enough. i overthink things and i chain smoke constantly because im sad or upset or depressed. i put on a smile for everyone at school, but sometimes its so hard.
i want to believe this is the right course for me, but sometimes i am unsure.
maybe i am too young for this?
maybe i don't have the drive..
maybe i don't even want to do this anymore.
i always thought i would love school, and dont get me wrong i love it. i love the work and i love the people in it. i have just became so lazy about homework and motivation is lacking.
i feel like i could crawl up in a hole most days and be fine with that.
you know the feeling when your heart breaks? like phyically breaks.. you can feel it through your chest and the pain feels so surreal.. well i have been having that feeling lately. and it kills me, it hurts me, it makes me sit and cry for an hour without even having a good reason to cry.
i just wish it was easy.. i just wish i could be the girl i want to be, with the boy i am in love with.. but that doesnt seem possible..
nothing seems possible.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=wwUlPXmr_6o
sorry for the sad post, its just how my heart feels.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
this is my girl
someday.. or maybe in another world.
happy valentines day everyone! enjoy the ones you love, and let the ones who love you spoil you until midnight.
some people don't believe in this day, but it is just about true love.
so if you love someone,
show it today.
take a step up, and don't look back.
happy valentines day everyone! enjoy the ones you love, and let the ones who love you spoil you until midnight.
some people don't believe in this day, but it is just about true love.
so if you love someone,
show it today.
take a step up, and don't look back.
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