broken

I have never felt more alone in my whole life than what I am feeling right now. This is suppose to be "my year" I'm in my final year of college. I am suppose to be living it up, drinking, partying and making the friendships that are suppose to last for my life.

But that is not the cause.

My best friend lives in Liverpool. And she has her own family now.. how hard do you think that is for me? I'm so happy for her and everything she has going for her. I just miss her, I miss seeing her and just being fucking retarded together. But now she has her own life to worry about and take care of.. plus shes 2 hours away from me.

My mother wants nothing to do with me. Whenever I ask her to hang out she makes an excuse to not have to see me. She is not capable of loving anyone and that hurts me. What goes through your mind that you have kids so when they are older they have to support you? What goes on in your mind when you don't love your child as much or more than anything you love in this world.

If you were to have a kid, wouldn't they be your complete everything? Wouldn't you want to see them, ask how they're doing, talk to them, just maybe even tell them you love them. How is that not possible? She makes me sick to my stomach. i'm done waiting around for her and getting hurt in the end.

What have I always said? Family doesn't last forever.

On the other note,
When I moved up here I lost a lot of my friends. I lost them because they went to university and met their new friends. They started to have their own lives.

I fucking things up royally with my ex, and now all his friends and family don't like me.

how could I have come so far in my life, but feel like i'm at a stand still. To feel like I am only going backwards and not enjoying my life like I should be.

I feel so seperated from this world, from the people in it. I feel like I am so alone, there isn't even a point in trying to be friends with people. All I want to do at this point is crawl up under my sheets and hide away for days.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.. My heart is already too broken.