a start

as she laid there stone cold
she looked up to the sky.

it was white..
big..
infinite..

how can someone be so small,
but their problems seem so big?

as time passed she realized there is so much more to life than the little pity things. Although she felt empty she came to the understanding this is her life.

She can't have it all.
hell, she can't even have half of it.

What she has is what she gets,
and even if she doesn't like it or understand why it's this way.

it just is.

alone is the number one feeling she has. not the normal alone but the crying in the bathroom stall alone.

The feeling of her heart shattering,
terrified to go on...

But in this moment she is alive and that is a start

broken

I have never felt more alone in my whole life than what I am feeling right now. This is suppose to be "my year" I'm in my final year of college. I am suppose to be living it up, drinking, partying and making the friendships that are suppose to last for my life.

But that is not the cause.

My best friend lives in Liverpool. And she has her own family now.. how hard do you think that is for me? I'm so happy for her and everything she has going for her. I just miss her, I miss seeing her and just being fucking retarded together. But now she has her own life to worry about and take care of.. plus shes 2 hours away from me.

My mother wants nothing to do with me. Whenever I ask her to hang out she makes an excuse to not have to see me. She is not capable of loving anyone and that hurts me. What goes through your mind that you have kids so when they are older they have to support you? What goes on in your mind when you don't love your child as much or more than anything you love in this world.

If you were to have a kid, wouldn't they be your complete everything? Wouldn't you want to see them, ask how they're doing, talk to them, just maybe even tell them you love them. How is that not possible? She makes me sick to my stomach. i'm done waiting around for her and getting hurt in the end.

What have I always said? Family doesn't last forever.

On the other note,
When I moved up here I lost a lot of my friends. I lost them because they went to university and met their new friends. They started to have their own lives.

I fucking things up royally with my ex, and now all his friends and family don't like me.

how could I have come so far in my life, but feel like i'm at a stand still. To feel like I am only going backwards and not enjoying my life like I should be.

I feel so seperated from this world, from the people in it. I feel like I am so alone, there isn't even a point in trying to be friends with people. All I want to do at this point is crawl up under my sheets and hide away for days.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.. My heart is already too broken.

emotionless

how can something small hurt me so bad? I have dealt with it for 2 years now, but it's starting to eat away at me. My insides are slowly caving in, my heart is breaking piece by piece. Im scared.

happiness is defined as :

state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

why can't I have intense joy? it seems like i have become an emotionless human being and thats the scariest part of my life right now.

I'm scared to be alone yes,
I'm scared of growing up,
I'm scared he'll be the one that got away.

But most of all I'm scared because i am not me.

I thought of myself as a happy person before, open, talkative, carefree.

But now i am quiet, i never talk when im in groups of people, I hide my emotions, and my heart is no longer on my sleeve.

And.. im scared.

dark as night

there she was in the dark of the night
alone, cold, and broken.
nothing in her life seemed to fit the puzzle pieces.
all the curved and jagged edges would never come together.

The pieces became broken,
like her heart.
the pieces became useless it seemed,
like her life.

instead of building a puzzle
it was like she was ripping it apart.

with every piece she cut open
she watched the blood pour out
with every broken piece,
she felt something.

she felt alive.

goodbye,
so long.

Until you can just be mine.

you and i

and just like that all my emotions are mixed up,
it's like its just starting right over again..
and honestly I'm terrified.

i'm terrified to be me because i don't exactly know who i am. I know who i want to be but who i want to be and who i am currently aren't exactly the same thing.

I have gone through so much in the past year and I for 99% of the stuff I wish i could take them back. I regret lying to the people who i loved because lying ruins things, and when things are ruined.. i become a monster.

I used to be a happy go to girl, someone who loved to go for walks, and adventure. Someone who I thought had a lot of friends, and people enjoyed spending time with her.

but now i feel like i've separated myself from a lot of those people who made me "me" I feel alone, and not wanted. I feel like I'm not the girl who i should be.

I sit here alone in my bed listening to music and thinking about this one person. Someone who was always there for me, but I did fuck it up. I ruined a lot, and I just hope things can change one day.. someday..

I just want to have a true smile on my face,
i want to be able to walk around and show off my love.
I want to be able to sit, watch movies, learn new things and just be head over heals.

Why will i always be a hopeless romantic?

I guess I should probably start to think about the realistic stuff, that sometimes it might just not work...

But, i guess i wear my heart on my sleeve and i hope for the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWp7tPe77Jk&feature=related

quitting

so,
tomorrow I am quitting smoking. I have gone too long smoking and I don't want to smoke anymore. I'm going to have the hardest time quitting but I think I can do it. I can't afford to smoke, and I know it is really bad for me.

Honestly I am scared. All my friends smoke so quitting is going to be even harder for me. And I can smoke half a pack a day. it's got pretty bad..

I am going to write in this everyday to help me with quitting. I have read some tips on how to stop so this try I'm going cold turkey. Completely just stopping. Hopefully my friends will help me by not smoking too much around me anymore.

I can do this,
or atleast i can try.

there it is, tomorrow is day one.
Lets make this real.


My cravings are going to be the death of me, but if i try hard enough, I'm sure i can overcome it.

pray for me!

empty hearts

feeling completely alone..
like no one is there for me, like none wants me around.
it's a pretty shitty feeling,
and it's been scaring me half to death.

i wish i knew what i wanted more in life.

donkey

i went to a donkey sanctuary today and it was an amazing feeling. All these donkeys came from abused places and people. And to see all the donkeys calm and friendly made me feel really emotional. it just made my heart feel so full that they could go through such a tough and heart breaking time in their life and now they are at peace.

it made me realize that no matter what you've been through doesn't mean it has to stay with your forever. it may shape you but at the end of the day you can run free from it and come out a better person. i didn't want to leave today because these donkeys made me so happy.

it just put a real smile on my face for once and made me remember that life goes on, and for me i have to learn to be happy alone without relying on someone to do it for me. 

hell starts to freeze

it's like a bullet has just gone through my body.

my heart is killed, and my soul is drowning in blood.

it can't swim.

im tired of feeling lost, i don't know how to even write about it.

i feel like wherever i go, i am still faced with the same problems,

the same worries, broken hearts, and tear filled eyes.

i always thought i went through a lot in my life but i am starting to realize this is only the beginning...

i just want to be someone priority and not an option anymore,

i want to feel loved for once and not fuck it up.