dependable hearts

falling in love has to be one of the most unexplainable emotions a person will feel in their lives. it's like the heat of a bonfire, with the harshest winds hitting your face at the same time.

i remember falling in love. The beginning is a feeling everyone wants to feel once or twice in their lives. The feeling of being wanted, loved, and important to someone.

the experiences you have with your love life somehow seem to be so important. more important than just hanging out with a friend. Falling in love creates a new space in the brain and every little thing to do with your love life seems important. the movie ticket from a date must be kept, every song that reminds you of that one person... trust me, the songs will always remind you of that one person even years down the road.

I have always been a true believer in romance and love. Soul mates. but the dependability you begin to feel is the scariest feeling i have felt in my life. It's something I do not like. It makes me scared of love. makes me regret even falling in love.

" i think about you day and night. it's only right"

living my life for myself is very important for me. And ever since I have fallen in love it seems to have changed. He is constantly on my mind.

" I can't go here because he might want to call me "
" will he be okay with me doing this "

Sitting around waiting for him to come online,
sitting around waiting for him to call.

It seems like he is continuing his life, while mine has been put on hold all because i am dependant on him.

What scares me the most, is it's like an addiction. He is my drug, and when we aren't talking I feel low, alone and feel like nothing. There is a constant feeling of emptiness in my stomach.

And at the end of the day, when we finally talk I feel angry because he hasn't been part of my day. I'm not angry at anything because of him. I'm angry because he's out living my life, and I don't know how to do that.

Love is a strange thing. Love concurs all, but it always eliminates a lot if you're not loving someone properly and healthy.


It doesn't matter how much I know i need to change the feeling of need I have, it never changes. No matter how much i work on it, I still am sitting here waiting for him to come on facebook.

The scariest part about falling in love, is when it's done. When you and that person don't talk anymore. When something happened in the blink of an eye and they are no longer in your life. They are no longer your best friend, your side kick. No longer the person you look to for advice, wisdom, help. When you don't have closure and you are seeking for it, and it doesn't happen. That feeling of emptiness comes haunting back.

heartbreak is the most unbearable, unimaginable, unspeakable feeling this world has to offer. It will rip your heart into pieces, and will make your eyes become waterfalls.

If I had any advice to give, it would be:

Fall in love. experience the fireworks your heart will set off. Experience the feeling of contentment and pure joy. Just never become dependant on a person, because no matter what, and no matter the promises, no one will ever live up to what you expect in another person.

Don't be scared to fall in love, it's something everyone will go through, and something you will never forget. But realize nothing lasts forever, and someday, you will either break up, fall out of love, or one will die and the feelings you will feel then will make you wish you had never gained such strong feelings for another human being.

trust me.

the water is rising over my head,
I can't hear anything
my eyes are closed.

The feeling of fear surrounds me.
This is it.

type of girl

To this day, i think about the past as the future.

And the future, as a sure thing.

I think about the present as not quite right. 

I am the type of girl who can't understand that the present is enough,

I am the type of girl who needs more than that.

A sure definition of what is going to happen.

A sure definition of why the past happened the way it did.

I am the type of girl who has too big of a heart,

and not enough tear ducts.

Contentment is my happiness,

my happiness is seeing other people overjoyed.

it feels like my heart is just there..

..sitting..waiting..wondering..

Sitting for the butterflies to flutter.

Waiting for the moment I finally realize i AM happy.

Wondering why I can't see that, the moment is now.

Happiness for me is seeing the ones i love live their life

happiness for me is watching other people laugh

seeing the winkles in their eyes when they feel infinite.

I am the type of girl who knows the past isn't the present, 

and the future is unknown.

but still doesn't know how to move on.

How do you move on..

I am the type of girl, who knows what she wants

but doesn't want to wait for the future.

I am me.

and i am more than content..

I am overjoyed with the butterflies fluttering

my eyes are alive with wrinkles

I am alive, and I feel infinite.

a start

as she laid there stone cold
she looked up to the sky.

it was white..
big..
infinite..

how can someone be so small,
but their problems seem so big?

as time passed she realized there is so much more to life than the little pity things. Although she felt empty she came to the understanding this is her life.

She can't have it all.
hell, she can't even have half of it.

What she has is what she gets,
and even if she doesn't like it or understand why it's this way.

it just is.

alone is the number one feeling she has. not the normal alone but the crying in the bathroom stall alone.

The feeling of her heart shattering,
terrified to go on...

But in this moment she is alive and that is a start

broken

I have never felt more alone in my whole life than what I am feeling right now. This is suppose to be "my year" I'm in my final year of college. I am suppose to be living it up, drinking, partying and making the friendships that are suppose to last for my life.

But that is not the cause.

My best friend lives in Liverpool. And she has her own family now.. how hard do you think that is for me? I'm so happy for her and everything she has going for her. I just miss her, I miss seeing her and just being fucking retarded together. But now she has her own life to worry about and take care of.. plus shes 2 hours away from me.

My mother wants nothing to do with me. Whenever I ask her to hang out she makes an excuse to not have to see me. She is not capable of loving anyone and that hurts me. What goes through your mind that you have kids so when they are older they have to support you? What goes on in your mind when you don't love your child as much or more than anything you love in this world.

If you were to have a kid, wouldn't they be your complete everything? Wouldn't you want to see them, ask how they're doing, talk to them, just maybe even tell them you love them. How is that not possible? She makes me sick to my stomach. i'm done waiting around for her and getting hurt in the end.

What have I always said? Family doesn't last forever.

On the other note,
When I moved up here I lost a lot of my friends. I lost them because they went to university and met their new friends. They started to have their own lives.

I fucking things up royally with my ex, and now all his friends and family don't like me.

how could I have come so far in my life, but feel like i'm at a stand still. To feel like I am only going backwards and not enjoying my life like I should be.

I feel so seperated from this world, from the people in it. I feel like I am so alone, there isn't even a point in trying to be friends with people. All I want to do at this point is crawl up under my sheets and hide away for days.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.. My heart is already too broken.

emotionless

how can something small hurt me so bad? I have dealt with it for 2 years now, but it's starting to eat away at me. My insides are slowly caving in, my heart is breaking piece by piece. Im scared.

happiness is defined as :

state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

why can't I have intense joy? it seems like i have become an emotionless human being and thats the scariest part of my life right now.

I'm scared to be alone yes,
I'm scared of growing up,
I'm scared he'll be the one that got away.

But most of all I'm scared because i am not me.

I thought of myself as a happy person before, open, talkative, carefree.

But now i am quiet, i never talk when im in groups of people, I hide my emotions, and my heart is no longer on my sleeve.

And.. im scared.

dark as night

there she was in the dark of the night
alone, cold, and broken.
nothing in her life seemed to fit the puzzle pieces.
all the curved and jagged edges would never come together.

The pieces became broken,
like her heart.
the pieces became useless it seemed,
like her life.

instead of building a puzzle
it was like she was ripping it apart.

with every piece she cut open
she watched the blood pour out
with every broken piece,
she felt something.

she felt alive.

goodbye,
so long.

Until you can just be mine.

you and i

and just like that all my emotions are mixed up,
it's like its just starting right over again..
and honestly I'm terrified.

i'm terrified to be me because i don't exactly know who i am. I know who i want to be but who i want to be and who i am currently aren't exactly the same thing.

I have gone through so much in the past year and I for 99% of the stuff I wish i could take them back. I regret lying to the people who i loved because lying ruins things, and when things are ruined.. i become a monster.

I used to be a happy go to girl, someone who loved to go for walks, and adventure. Someone who I thought had a lot of friends, and people enjoyed spending time with her.

but now i feel like i've separated myself from a lot of those people who made me "me" I feel alone, and not wanted. I feel like I'm not the girl who i should be.

I sit here alone in my bed listening to music and thinking about this one person. Someone who was always there for me, but I did fuck it up. I ruined a lot, and I just hope things can change one day.. someday..

I just want to have a true smile on my face,
i want to be able to walk around and show off my love.
I want to be able to sit, watch movies, learn new things and just be head over heals.

Why will i always be a hopeless romantic?

I guess I should probably start to think about the realistic stuff, that sometimes it might just not work...

But, i guess i wear my heart on my sleeve and i hope for the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWp7tPe77Jk&feature=related

quitting

so,
tomorrow I am quitting smoking. I have gone too long smoking and I don't want to smoke anymore. I'm going to have the hardest time quitting but I think I can do it. I can't afford to smoke, and I know it is really bad for me.

Honestly I am scared. All my friends smoke so quitting is going to be even harder for me. And I can smoke half a pack a day. it's got pretty bad..

I am going to write in this everyday to help me with quitting. I have read some tips on how to stop so this try I'm going cold turkey. Completely just stopping. Hopefully my friends will help me by not smoking too much around me anymore.

I can do this,
or atleast i can try.

there it is, tomorrow is day one.
Lets make this real.


My cravings are going to be the death of me, but if i try hard enough, I'm sure i can overcome it.

pray for me!