you and i

and just like that all my emotions are mixed up,
it's like its just starting right over again..
and honestly I'm terrified.

i'm terrified to be me because i don't exactly know who i am. I know who i want to be but who i want to be and who i am currently aren't exactly the same thing.

I have gone through so much in the past year and I for 99% of the stuff I wish i could take them back. I regret lying to the people who i loved because lying ruins things, and when things are ruined.. i become a monster.

I used to be a happy go to girl, someone who loved to go for walks, and adventure. Someone who I thought had a lot of friends, and people enjoyed spending time with her.

but now i feel like i've separated myself from a lot of those people who made me "me" I feel alone, and not wanted. I feel like I'm not the girl who i should be.

I sit here alone in my bed listening to music and thinking about this one person. Someone who was always there for me, but I did fuck it up. I ruined a lot, and I just hope things can change one day.. someday..

I just want to have a true smile on my face,
i want to be able to walk around and show off my love.
I want to be able to sit, watch movies, learn new things and just be head over heals.

Why will i always be a hopeless romantic?

I guess I should probably start to think about the realistic stuff, that sometimes it might just not work...

But, i guess i wear my heart on my sleeve and i hope for the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWp7tPe77Jk&feature=related

quitting

so,
tomorrow I am quitting smoking. I have gone too long smoking and I don't want to smoke anymore. I'm going to have the hardest time quitting but I think I can do it. I can't afford to smoke, and I know it is really bad for me.

Honestly I am scared. All my friends smoke so quitting is going to be even harder for me. And I can smoke half a pack a day. it's got pretty bad..

I am going to write in this everyday to help me with quitting. I have read some tips on how to stop so this try I'm going cold turkey. Completely just stopping. Hopefully my friends will help me by not smoking too much around me anymore.

I can do this,
or atleast i can try.

there it is, tomorrow is day one.
Lets make this real.


My cravings are going to be the death of me, but if i try hard enough, I'm sure i can overcome it.

pray for me!

empty hearts

feeling completely alone..
like no one is there for me, like none wants me around.
it's a pretty shitty feeling,
and it's been scaring me half to death.

i wish i knew what i wanted more in life.

donkey

i went to a donkey sanctuary today and it was an amazing feeling. All these donkeys came from abused places and people. And to see all the donkeys calm and friendly made me feel really emotional. it just made my heart feel so full that they could go through such a tough and heart breaking time in their life and now they are at peace.

it made me realize that no matter what you've been through doesn't mean it has to stay with your forever. it may shape you but at the end of the day you can run free from it and come out a better person. i didn't want to leave today because these donkeys made me so happy.

it just put a real smile on my face for once and made me remember that life goes on, and for me i have to learn to be happy alone without relying on someone to do it for me. 

hell starts to freeze

it's like a bullet has just gone through my body.

my heart is killed, and my soul is drowning in blood.

it can't swim.

im tired of feeling lost, i don't know how to even write about it.

i feel like wherever i go, i am still faced with the same problems,

the same worries, broken hearts, and tear filled eyes.

i always thought i went through a lot in my life but i am starting to realize this is only the beginning...

i just want to be someone priority and not an option anymore,

i want to feel loved for once and not fuck it up.

drive on

2232 blog views,
i know i have had this it seems like forever but reaching this number makes me super excited.

life has been pretty good lately, being here in ontario is teaching me a lot about myself which i never thought i would learn. i have began to realize who's important in my life, and the rest honestly can go screw themselves.

I've began to love myself, and i have never got to that point in my life before which is actually amazing for me to say i like who i am turning out to be.

My relationship for the pas two years has been more than a bumpy road, but right now because i have been away makes me understand how much i need him in my life, and i know he's not air or water so i don't "need" him but honestly it feels like he keeps me together.

love is sure a difficult thing to understand, and i don't fully understand it, and i know i am not the perfect person, i know i have my screw ups and all that but i am trying so much.

but still, i need to let my red heart show too, which is kinda hard.

                                 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1FH2arQh0Q

being away from family and friends is actually really hard because i have a problem that i need to feel needed and i need reassurance that i am important and with being away from the people who show me i mean something i have been feeling really unwanted and loved. But I am trying my best to just go on with my life and not concern myself with those "needs" because i know i will be okay without people telling me I'm worth it.. because i know i am.

@gibsonkirby

maybe it's meant to be

i wish i wasn't such an option sometimes, it makes me feel so terrible with myself,

and i wish i knew exactly why i did the things i did, and why i pushed people close to me away because right now i could use some feel good words.

i just wish if they actually cared about me, they would show it, because when they don't it breaks my heart over and over again and i can't continue to be like this because my heart is going to be in pieces on the floor soon..

but why can't i change it? why do i put myself in these situations?

new life

so i am sitting at the airport waiting to fly to ontario.
ontario... for a whole month. i am leaving my life as i know it and starting a new one. it is unreal that i am going to an internship and going to finally be in this industry.

a lot has been happening in my life, and a lot of the times i never write about them. so,
i turned 19 the other day and my best friend gave me the best birthday partying in the world.
also me and my boyfriend broke up but got back together. we are so unreal together and have so much potential to be happy. So we are going to make it work and be happy, and we are going to show the world how happy we can be together.

well,
flights going to board soon and i need some tims.
so ill continue to write in this all month and explain my ontario life!

<3magk

blue eyed beauty

so,
its been march break this week and i believe this week has taught me a lot about myself. a lot of things i didnt know about me, but now i know more than i knew before. i know who i can be myself around, and i know who my true friends are.
i know what i want in life, and i know i cant give up on anything anymore because the pain i have felt is not worth it. the tears i have shed made me into a better person.

i have come to the conclusion i am a very awkward person. there are very few people know who the true me is, and for the ones that do, i am sorry if i have pushed you away.

i have come to the conclusion i ruined a lot of friendships that i wish i didnt. and i really miss having friends. good friends are hard to find, and i seriously don't have many. for my past friends, im sorry for whatever reason we stopped being friends. if it was my fault i only blame myself and hopefully sometime we can fix things. for the friends i have now, you all mean everything to me. you make me happy.

and i just want to thank you for making me into the girl i want to be. because without you i would not be mighty molly.

school is back on monday, so lets get the sleeves pulled up and show everyone who i have become
<3 mm

leaving is just a game

my life has been a blur lately and i never have the time to write anymore.. well i am sure i have the time i have just became too lazy.
for the most part my life here has been good, i mean i have the best roommate in the world, and i have the best friend anyone could ask for in liverpool, and i also have the best friend anyone could imagine in dartmouth.

but lately.. it doesn't seem like that's enough. i overthink things and i chain smoke constantly because im sad or upset or depressed. i put on a smile for everyone at school, but sometimes its so hard.
i want to believe this is the right course for me, but sometimes i am unsure.
maybe i am too young for this?
maybe i don't have the drive..
maybe i don't even want to do this anymore.

i always thought i would love school, and dont get me wrong i love it. i love the work and i love the people in it. i have just became so lazy about homework and motivation is lacking.
i feel like i could crawl up in a hole most days and be fine with that.

you know the feeling when your heart breaks? like phyically breaks.. you can feel it through your chest and the pain feels so surreal.. well i have been having that feeling lately. and it kills me, it hurts me, it makes me sit and cry for an hour without even having a good reason to cry.
i just wish it was easy.. i just wish i could be the girl i want to be, with the boy i am in love with.. but that doesnt seem possible..

nothing seems possible.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=wwUlPXmr_6o

sorry for the sad post, its just how my heart feels.