smiles of the fruit.

sometimes it only takes a second for you to realize what you have in life,
and sometimes it only takes a minute to realize what you can't lose in your life.

i can't lose the friends i have because if i did i would go nowhere.
there are some friends i have been friends with since the first day i moved to liverpool.
these ones are the ones who have always been there for me, and i know we fight sometimes but
we will work it out always.
they are people i look up to and envy what they have. they are people who know how to treat people right,
and talk to them like they are important.
they give the best reassurance i could ever ask for.
they dont take shit from anyone, and i wish i was just like them.
i love them, and i will always, there is something about them that makes me just want more.

sometimes, even when the timing is bad, and the mood is wrong, all i have to do now to be happy is go to a blog and smile. because in the end, my smile is what makes me me <3
right?

when did everything become so stupid? it seems like my life is destined for bad relationships and fuck ups. i wish this wasn't the truth but as i sit here at home, i think to myself that nothing ever seems to go easy for me.
im so mentally and physically tired of feeling like this, the feeling where you just want to give up.
i thought this year was going to be the best year of my life, but i was truly mistaken. i didn't even enjoy my grade 12 prom, and knowing im leaving now is just an tiny bit of this problem.

why can't i just be happy, and everything go the way i want it to just for one day of my life? why do i have to sit at work, and cry and wish i had someone elses life.
i know so many more people has it worse off then i do, but sometimes it seems unreal that someone can even feel worse then i do at this.

i sat home on friday night worrying my mind away, not being able to sleep until 2am bawling my eyes out. i sit here tonight, in my bed alone, worrying my mind away, feeling like complete shit bawling my eyes out.

when will this ever get better?

breathe

im never home, so this is why i have yet to write in this for like a month. so much is changing in my life, and im not sure about anything. why cant something so simple as a text happen? and how can fights start over absolutely nothing.
yet i feel sick to my stomach because of it.
sometimes, i just feel like life is too hard to go on.

the time has come

you think you know the feeling when you are growing up? the feeling when you realize youre finished high school, youre done exams, and your proms on monday? the feeling where you know your graduating in a weeks time, and you will be leaving this town, these people, and moving forward with your life..
well i have that feeling right now, and its not feeling too hott.

in two months time, i will be packing up my life i have made here and moving away. i will be starting fresh and starting new. something i have had to do all my life, but it has never affected me this much before.
it might be because of the amazing boyfriend i have, the amazing family i live with, the most amazing best friends i could ever ask for, or simply the fact that i love this place i live.

i mean i hate the drama, the gossip, the different groups, and i hate the bench bitches, but i mean, every town has those right? every town will break you down no matter where you are, and wait to see if you will pick yourself back up and become stronger from the fall.

every town will watch you fail, and will wait for you to succeed. i am succeeded by moving away, going to school, having my own place, and leaving all my baggage behind.

my friends will follow me whenever i go, my family will always have my back, and writing will always cure my pain.

i can do this, and i can leave and be happy.
i will just have to deal with being homesick daily now.
but no matter what, i know i will be able to do this, i have gone through so much,
that i need to get through this.
i will succeed, and show everyone that doesnt think i can do it, that i can.

beachwood

i haven't wrote in this in forever, and i dont know why because everything has been so crazy and bad i should have written in this more. so i will try to catch up with everything going on.
im scared..
im scared of absolutly everything that is going on in my life right now.
im scared im losing my best friend right now,
im scared im going to get fucked over for next year because of stupid shit
im scared im going to lose my boyfriend
and im scared ill fail.
fail everything i had/have going for me, and i will be sitting there alone, being nothing.

im nothing, or atleast that is how i feel. i know thats terrible, but lately i have been feeling like another person. the typer of person i was when i was in grade nine. and that person is not me anymore. i want to get out of that body and run, run far away and never look back at them.
because.. they scare me.

i know i would never give up, or let go, or become someone i am not but i am just terrifed of being alone, and not myself. im afaid ill end up like my mom was for 10 years. i know i deserve better in my life, but i can't seem to push myself to that better place, i just sit and watch myself disappear.

if i know i deserve better in life, why can't i just make it happen?
why do i have to pussy out of everything, and just watch myself become nothing.

useless

how can one picture affect me so much? make me so jealous and so upset.
and how can 3 simple words break me apart? i just don't understand.

im happy, i love my life and everyones whos in it. but i just get so confussed and overwhelmed about everything.
i don't want anything to change, everyone is talking bout change, and trying to change things.
but i don't want anything to be different, im so happy about everything i have, and the way it is.

i just want to stay this way forever.

taking back from me

im tired of all this.

sometimes im tired of waiting for someone who doesn't want me to be their everything.
so whats the point?

i give up..

i can't forget you

sometimes it amazes me how low and unloving some people can be, but then people can still be so addicted and in love with them? so have no feelings or emotions to not even realize you are hurting the "love of your life" more than thinkly possible.

sometimes it amazes me how unwanted i can feel in this world even though there are 6 billion people here just living their life. They are happy, and they enjoy what they have in life. so why can't i be one of those people?
why do i have to be so selfish when it comes to my life, and why do i have to not appreciate the good things i have in my life. Or well the great things.

i saw my brother two days ago, the brother who was there when i was born, the first person who touched me when i came into this world. The brother who i was best friends with all growing up, but now he hates me. He disowned me, and when i saw him, he didnt even notice me. it's like im not even there, a ghost to him. and it kills me. literally breaks my heart into pieces. how can a brother hate a sister just because they have a relationship with their dad.
how can he possibly have that much hate for me?
it hurts.. a lot more than people realize.

so then when other people ditch me, or not talk to me that are close to me, it scares me. scares me to the place where i don't even want to leave my house because i dont want to lose anymore important people in my life.

it's weird because im happy. Whenever im with people, i am happy. But as soon as i get alone, i think about things way too much and i break things into small pieces and i ruin things. i ruin everything i have in my life, until i have nothing.

i don't want to be in that place again, and im scared if i keep this up, im going to be there.
i need people more than i have ever needed them before.
If only they knew...

time is flying

i haven't wrote in here in about a month..
what was i thinking?

so much has changed in my life, some good and some bad. i moved away from where i was living. The place i was at just did not work for me. Caused me too much stress in my life, and i was not myself there. i now live with my doctor and her family in a huge beautiful house. I am starting to get happy and comfortable here, but it has only been a week.

i am going to school next year for journalism and sorting out money and scholarships has been a really big stress in my life, and i am not handling it well. And on top of that i am graduating in 2 months! i can't seem to wrap my head around that fact.

the fact im going to be in different schools from my best friend. PS congrats on the 40 000 dollar scholarship. you are going to go so far in life, and i am so proud to call you my best friend. I am going to be alone in a classroom with people who i think will be better then me in what i do.

to be honest, it scares me. To think there will be other people in the class doing what i want to do, its like a competition  i am not ready to compete in because im too scared to disappoint myself and the people around me.

im scared of the future.. and even though im trying to be happy right now, its hard to be.