beachwood

i haven't wrote in this in forever, and i dont know why because everything has been so crazy and bad i should have written in this more. so i will try to catch up with everything going on.
im scared..
im scared of absolutly everything that is going on in my life right now.
im scared im losing my best friend right now,
im scared im going to get fucked over for next year because of stupid shit
im scared im going to lose my boyfriend
and im scared ill fail.
fail everything i had/have going for me, and i will be sitting there alone, being nothing.

im nothing, or atleast that is how i feel. i know thats terrible, but lately i have been feeling like another person. the typer of person i was when i was in grade nine. and that person is not me anymore. i want to get out of that body and run, run far away and never look back at them.
because.. they scare me.

i know i would never give up, or let go, or become someone i am not but i am just terrifed of being alone, and not myself. im afaid ill end up like my mom was for 10 years. i know i deserve better in my life, but i can't seem to push myself to that better place, i just sit and watch myself disappear.

if i know i deserve better in life, why can't i just make it happen?
why do i have to pussy out of everything, and just watch myself become nothing.