time is flying

i haven't wrote in here in about a month..
what was i thinking?

so much has changed in my life, some good and some bad. i moved away from where i was living. The place i was at just did not work for me. Caused me too much stress in my life, and i was not myself there. i now live with my doctor and her family in a huge beautiful house. I am starting to get happy and comfortable here, but it has only been a week.

i am going to school next year for journalism and sorting out money and scholarships has been a really big stress in my life, and i am not handling it well. And on top of that i am graduating in 2 months! i can't seem to wrap my head around that fact.

the fact im going to be in different schools from my best friend. PS congrats on the 40 000 dollar scholarship. you are going to go so far in life, and i am so proud to call you my best friend. I am going to be alone in a classroom with people who i think will be better then me in what i do.

to be honest, it scares me. To think there will be other people in the class doing what i want to do, its like a competition  i am not ready to compete in because im too scared to disappoint myself and the people around me.

im scared of the future.. and even though im trying to be happy right now, its hard to be.

skye

new favourite song : got my list
new favourite movie : Dakota skye

why is it that romantic india movies make me want to run away? run away somewhere far away.. Somewhere where no one knows who i am. Where i come from, what i've gone through. Somewhere where they don't know me to be that hopeless romantic that isnt going anywhere.
Somewhere where, i could be free to be myself, free to love the things i love. And for those things to love me back.

if you were going to jump off a building, and it was your death coming apon you. Which way would you fly? would you face up to the sky, and enjoy the ride until you crash at the bottom and die. Or would you face the road, so you knew when you were going to die.

For me, i like having a plan, i like knowing whats going to happen in my future and whats not going to happen. i like to know what im doing that evening when its only 7 o'clock in the morning. I like to know what im going to wear the night before i even think about wearing these clothes.
but i know none of these plans work out. I will change my plans through out the day, i will change my clothes 20 times before i pick what to wear.
so, i would face the sky. Enjoy the ride and watch the birds soar by you while you wish your life away.

what happens when youre someone you know youre not supposed to be? but you know the person you are suppose to be, just isnt you?

regrets

some people believe depression is something within the person, and something in the mind.
but how can something in the mind affect the body so much?
affect the soul,
and the tears that stream down my face.

i fucking hate everything i have become,
i fucking hate the people i thought i could trust and it got ruined.
i hate that something so little as nothing ruined me,
ruined what i loved so much.
something that will never get fixed.

i need help.

what happens when youre changing, and you know its for the worst?

what do you do..

i was blind, but now i can see

i've began to realize a lot of things, things that i didn't think i could realize or realize but i did.

love;
i have realized that no matter the age you are, no matter the person you are.. you will fall in love. and it may not be with the first or second person you've loved but you will fall deep into the place where you are uncontrollably in love with someone. this person will become your everything, and you won't want to lose them.
i have found that person.
no matter the fights, or the arguments, i always will come back, i will always be yours.
because, i love you.

i have also realized that family will always be there for you. They might not be with you physically all the time, but they will always be the ones there for you.

Friends come and go (other then jasmine) but family is forever.

family will help you out when you don't think theres a way out.

family has become my life again, and i am so thankful for that 

<3

this problem is going to last more then the weekend.

why is it that music can make you feel so close to something, but not actually be close to it at all. it makes you feel like everything is going to be okay, when in reality you know it won't be ookay.

maybe you won't be okay, maybe you wont smile forever and be happy. And maybe just maybe youll crumble down and fall. but even thinking about that then listening to one happy song makes you reconsider your life. Your surroundings and it makes you realize life in the end will be worth it.

It will be worth growing up, and moving on. Leaving the life a simple teenager lives and becoming something way more important in the world.
Something you won't know until you mature enough to say youre mature.

Something you wont know until your smile is real.

i have been thinking a lot lately, and i am not sure if i like what i am thinking about.
i got into school for next year for tv and radio journalism. and i know thats what i want to do, and i know ill be good at it, its just scary.
thinking about someone actually "reading" my writing, and me writing for a living.
i don't know if its possible for me?

I also don't know what love is, well i mean i fully know what it is.
i feel it all the time.
the one thing i don't understand is why if everyone says its the best feeling in the world, why you feel so fucking shitty when plans get ruined or you don't talk to a special someone all day.
it may be the best feeling in the world, but it sure as hell can put knots in your stomach.

fact; i miss you..

jesus christ that's a pretty face

What happened to being young and in love? And what happened to if you're in love you are only in love with that one person?
And what happened to sluts keeping to themselves and not trying to ruin others relationships even though they don't even live in your town.

how i wish i knew the answers to this, but i am far from it and it really makes me sick to my stomach. Sick to my stomach that i could have lost the one person in my life right now to that bitch who seems to always be around and messes up my relationships.
But not to dwell on sluts and hoes.

I have great news, not other did i have the worst day today of my life, but it made me think about a lot. It made me think that getting accepted into the school i got accepted into may be a great new start for me. A start i wouldn't get at another university where i just sat around in a huge class and took notes. The school i am going to is going to be hands on and a life changing thing.

its going to be magical.

When i think about school, and moving away i think about the chances i am going to have. I am going to have so many more options then i would have before, and soon enough people are going to pay for my writing. MY writing that i do just for fun, i will make some money off of it. I dont know if anyone really follows this, and in reality i don't care. I just do it because its my escape from the real world. 

Things are going to be ok <3

It's going to be bittersweet you know, leaving this town.
leaving what has made me; me and moving away and becoming someone else.
someone else i truly aspire to be, but am truly afaid to become.

Im afraid to grow up, im afaid to show the world what i am made of because honestly,
i don't know what i am made of.
Yes im made out of bones and blood.
im made out of all the tough things in the world, combined into one single little girl.
But its something that doesn't phase me.

i know i've been though a lot. And i know im going to become "something"
but at the end of the day, i dont want to become something because of all the things i've been through
i want to become something because i am meant to do it.
Because its me, and not my past.

I want to be successful,
and i want to not be so afaid to show the people i love what i'm doing
and i want to be able to show them my writing.

fact: im jealous

this is all i have

why is it that when you grow up you miss being young,
but when youre young you wish to grow up.

it seems like no one can ever be happy and i hate it. It feels like i can not just go out and adventure and have fun. i feel too mature or "grown up" to do something like that.

what did we do before drinking happened, and all that stupid stuff?
we had fun, and it seems like its impossible to have fun anymore.

i mean im always happy now, and i love life. i love the people in my life.
but when i get alone, all i do is go on my laptop and listen to mellow music. its insane how much being alone can affect one person. it can completely change a person.
And this change isn't always a good change.

Growing up is scary and i really don't want to face the fact i am almost out of highschool.
i don't want to face the fact i am changing,
i am growing,
i am maturing,
and soon enough i am leaving..

help, im scared.

sometimes i say im so bored and i have nothing to do. but when i think about it, i have so many options out there of something new to do.
i could always write in here, or read. work on my to do list or always just get comfy and cozy and have a nap. Nothing in this world lasts forever so i might as well make the best out of it.

as fast as the time goes, it seems so slow when it is ticking down and it scares me. It is almost the end of February which graduation is only in a few months... and then i am gone out of here forever starting my real life.

how scary,
but i need to go work on homework i just wanted to jot down my thoughts.
<3