useless

how can one picture affect me so much? make me so jealous and so upset.
and how can 3 simple words break me apart? i just don't understand.

im happy, i love my life and everyones whos in it. but i just get so confussed and overwhelmed about everything.
i don't want anything to change, everyone is talking bout change, and trying to change things.
but i don't want anything to be different, im so happy about everything i have, and the way it is.

i just want to stay this way forever.

taking back from me

im tired of all this.

sometimes im tired of waiting for someone who doesn't want me to be their everything.
so whats the point?

i give up..

i can't forget you

sometimes it amazes me how low and unloving some people can be, but then people can still be so addicted and in love with them? so have no feelings or emotions to not even realize you are hurting the "love of your life" more than thinkly possible.

sometimes it amazes me how unwanted i can feel in this world even though there are 6 billion people here just living their life. They are happy, and they enjoy what they have in life. so why can't i be one of those people?
why do i have to be so selfish when it comes to my life, and why do i have to not appreciate the good things i have in my life. Or well the great things.

i saw my brother two days ago, the brother who was there when i was born, the first person who touched me when i came into this world. The brother who i was best friends with all growing up, but now he hates me. He disowned me, and when i saw him, he didnt even notice me. it's like im not even there, a ghost to him. and it kills me. literally breaks my heart into pieces. how can a brother hate a sister just because they have a relationship with their dad.
how can he possibly have that much hate for me?
it hurts.. a lot more than people realize.

so then when other people ditch me, or not talk to me that are close to me, it scares me. scares me to the place where i don't even want to leave my house because i dont want to lose anymore important people in my life.

it's weird because im happy. Whenever im with people, i am happy. But as soon as i get alone, i think about things way too much and i break things into small pieces and i ruin things. i ruin everything i have in my life, until i have nothing.

i don't want to be in that place again, and im scared if i keep this up, im going to be there.
i need people more than i have ever needed them before.
If only they knew...

time is flying

i haven't wrote in here in about a month..
what was i thinking?

so much has changed in my life, some good and some bad. i moved away from where i was living. The place i was at just did not work for me. Caused me too much stress in my life, and i was not myself there. i now live with my doctor and her family in a huge beautiful house. I am starting to get happy and comfortable here, but it has only been a week.

i am going to school next year for journalism and sorting out money and scholarships has been a really big stress in my life, and i am not handling it well. And on top of that i am graduating in 2 months! i can't seem to wrap my head around that fact.

the fact im going to be in different schools from my best friend. PS congrats on the 40 000 dollar scholarship. you are going to go so far in life, and i am so proud to call you my best friend. I am going to be alone in a classroom with people who i think will be better then me in what i do.

to be honest, it scares me. To think there will be other people in the class doing what i want to do, its like a competition  i am not ready to compete in because im too scared to disappoint myself and the people around me.

im scared of the future.. and even though im trying to be happy right now, its hard to be.

skye

new favourite song : got my list
new favourite movie : Dakota skye

why is it that romantic india movies make me want to run away? run away somewhere far away.. Somewhere where no one knows who i am. Where i come from, what i've gone through. Somewhere where they don't know me to be that hopeless romantic that isnt going anywhere.
Somewhere where, i could be free to be myself, free to love the things i love. And for those things to love me back.

if you were going to jump off a building, and it was your death coming apon you. Which way would you fly? would you face up to the sky, and enjoy the ride until you crash at the bottom and die. Or would you face the road, so you knew when you were going to die.

For me, i like having a plan, i like knowing whats going to happen in my future and whats not going to happen. i like to know what im doing that evening when its only 7 o'clock in the morning. I like to know what im going to wear the night before i even think about wearing these clothes.
but i know none of these plans work out. I will change my plans through out the day, i will change my clothes 20 times before i pick what to wear.
so, i would face the sky. Enjoy the ride and watch the birds soar by you while you wish your life away.

what happens when youre someone you know youre not supposed to be? but you know the person you are suppose to be, just isnt you?

regrets

some people believe depression is something within the person, and something in the mind.
but how can something in the mind affect the body so much?
affect the soul,
and the tears that stream down my face.

i fucking hate everything i have become,
i fucking hate the people i thought i could trust and it got ruined.
i hate that something so little as nothing ruined me,
ruined what i loved so much.
something that will never get fixed.

i need help.

what happens when youre changing, and you know its for the worst?

what do you do..

i was blind, but now i can see

i've began to realize a lot of things, things that i didn't think i could realize or realize but i did.

love;
i have realized that no matter the age you are, no matter the person you are.. you will fall in love. and it may not be with the first or second person you've loved but you will fall deep into the place where you are uncontrollably in love with someone. this person will become your everything, and you won't want to lose them.
i have found that person.
no matter the fights, or the arguments, i always will come back, i will always be yours.
because, i love you.

i have also realized that family will always be there for you. They might not be with you physically all the time, but they will always be the ones there for you.

Friends come and go (other then jasmine) but family is forever.

family will help you out when you don't think theres a way out.

family has become my life again, and i am so thankful for that 

<3

this problem is going to last more then the weekend.

why is it that music can make you feel so close to something, but not actually be close to it at all. it makes you feel like everything is going to be okay, when in reality you know it won't be ookay.

maybe you won't be okay, maybe you wont smile forever and be happy. And maybe just maybe youll crumble down and fall. but even thinking about that then listening to one happy song makes you reconsider your life. Your surroundings and it makes you realize life in the end will be worth it.

It will be worth growing up, and moving on. Leaving the life a simple teenager lives and becoming something way more important in the world.
Something you won't know until you mature enough to say youre mature.

Something you wont know until your smile is real.

i have been thinking a lot lately, and i am not sure if i like what i am thinking about.
i got into school for next year for tv and radio journalism. and i know thats what i want to do, and i know ill be good at it, its just scary.
thinking about someone actually "reading" my writing, and me writing for a living.
i don't know if its possible for me?

I also don't know what love is, well i mean i fully know what it is.
i feel it all the time.
the one thing i don't understand is why if everyone says its the best feeling in the world, why you feel so fucking shitty when plans get ruined or you don't talk to a special someone all day.
it may be the best feeling in the world, but it sure as hell can put knots in your stomach.

fact; i miss you..